I Never Asked for This

I never asked for a life like this. Well, maybe I did. But hey, that was years ago, 4 to 6 years ago. After I resigned from work in 2008, and tried to focus only for my happiness. I knew that I have made a step to 'slow down' in life.

Sake after sashimi at ikebukuro, Tokyo

Some people they ask for a life in the fast lane. They never understand that those who do live in fast lane often dream about having  a much slower life... There is a reason for the term 'settling down', you see. It's settling down, no one has ever called it settling up.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I pleaded over and over to be a normal person with a slower but much happier life. God want it differently and I can't say no to this. To have a life like this is still considered a blessing!.... somehow...

Total Goddess

2 Kilos in 2 days of hardcore eating.

Mie Acim and the Dena drink

well.....
She's a total goddess... and there's no regret whatsoever.

The one I've been escaping from / The one who saved my life at the end of the night

I'm gonna write this story before I forgot all that had happened.

This is a story about how someone I tried hard to escape from, run away from, and forget all about for months, turned out to be the one who saved my life at the end of the night.

This story was simply a pure plain stupidity. After failing to fly to Medan, I finally decided to go to Playground. Arrange to meet friends, and planned to get high on LSD... Okay that's the start of the chaotic night.

One thing I forgot to remember was, that how in hell can I drive if I'm high on LSD?

Cutting things real short. I went there with Denise n friends. The muddiest event I've ever been in as it rained in the afternoon before the event. There I spent my time with my PL friends, all were high.. until I met Kandhita and then I spent more of the time with her and her friends.

But out of all those people, how is it possible that I bumped into the one I've been hiding away from? The one I never wanted to know about anymore, for the past few months?

At the end, people went back home. One by one. I was left finally without anyone I know. So I decided to return to my car and go back home. Only to find that I was too fucked up to do anything. It was even hard to get the keys into the damn keyhole. Hahahahaa.. so I was there inside my car, behind the driving wheel, not knowing what to do. I can't move my car and i was scared shitless! My heart was pounding and my hands are all shaking throughout the night. I've never had the experiences of driving in this situation before. I had often done drunk-driving and was fine, thank God. But never in this state. Shiiitttt!!!

The only one I can think about at that time was her. Maybe not because I thought she's the most important person in my life,  but because she was the last person I remember seeing, and somehow I knew would care enough to help me out.

So she was there in her car on Arteri PI, with 3 cans of bear brand milk for me. Very nice of her. Waited for me for a while as I was in such a wasted state.

God bless her... But too bad I don't think I can be with her anymore. She had her chances. Not one not two. Much more than that. But it's okay. That's life. It's strange, it's weird, and I don't know the end of this tunnel. Hell, I dont even have the clue for the riddle.

In Order to Be Reborn, You Need To Die First!

This is just something great I came up with.

You see? How can you expect yourself to be born again as someone new and fresh if you have not passed through the dark below?

You need to be dead first, mate! When you're dead, after tried everythin, and got nowhere to go! That's when you'll be re-born, insyaAllah

#MOR continues...

#MOR day 14. Still very tough. Thought abt it a lot, esp lately. But I know it's not rite. The #MOR is my path! The rest is just shite!

The place where I was is a place where there's no white! A place where there's no light! All those values that you'd fight! Ain't goin back to the place where I was ! 

Sounds Rhymey just like a rapper, innit?

Anyway, that's before noon.

In the afternoon a bomb dropped in my inbox. An email from her. She said it took her 20 days to send this email. Who waits for 20 days to send emails?

She sent a song. A youtube link. Natasha st.Pier - Tu Trouveras.

Nope. Not a rappy song! rather, a sad-dy song.. Not good! Had to stop! I'm starting to think about her again. No! Not rite!

Wait !!!... Pause !!!....

Okay.. Moving on!

Sorry I couldnt reply the email. #MOR forbids me to reply anything coming from you! Come back after "Eid"!

Cheerio!

Come, Brain! Stay Calm!

Trying to juggle work is a tough tough task.

I know that I've been wanting to be able to be busy with various different activities.

I am having it now, and it's creating panic in my mind. Panic that I may not be able to deliver some of my works as expected. Fingers crossed. Let's go! Let's do this! Dear brain, stay healthy! I need you to do the unthinkable in the calmest manner possible!

BLS Research: I'm the person who found Cancer !!

My quest in my BLS research was (or maybe is) one of the most tiring part of my life. I did my best, put out all effort in analysing and conducting various experiments.

It's like I'm the person who found Cancer!! I know the symptoms, case studies, effects, and causes. I know all details and I can tell people about numerous facts and findings. But I can't find the cure!

And funny to see how people think it's abt me & my theories when actually it's about me trying to help cure/prevent them from 'cancer' 

Do you even know who found Cancer? it was Hippocrates, a Greek.. Not very popular eh? 

That's because he did not find the solution/cure :(

Mega-Ikhlas & Mini-Ikhlas

Mega-Ikhlas : Megaikhlas it's like the common ikhlas, but this one is wayy bigger... and waaaayy cooler! Ibaratnya kalau ada mall, maka ada mega-mall !!

Mini-ikhlas : Also like normal ikhlas, but it's teeny tiny. A mix between ikhlas & not, alias: Kadang ikhlas kadang engga. Ibaratnya kalau ada burger, lalu ada yang namanya mini-burgers!!

Sick of it & Disgusted

To be honest I'm sick of everything. Sick and disgusted. Last nite I didn't even bother to see Rehan to talk about it, because it's just so disgusting I don't wanna know anything anymore.

So Truthfully, I don't wanna write it down here either. But then I thought, all lessons in life are worth to document. May not be useful for me, but for others. Maybe my children.

So, here goes.

Meeting her or knowing her can now be categorised as one of the biggest mistakes in my life. A person can be so despicable in her past but then may have changed and become a new person with a much better personalities and values. But for this case, the personalities and values never changed. A bitch will always be a bitch. A slut will always be a slut. There is a value there that will not change. Ever.

Air susu akan terus dibalas air tuba, dan niat baik akan selalu dibalas oleh niat jahar. It's a fact I have to face with her. My love for her and my good intentions are all worthless.

Her personalities and values really really disgust me!

And now that her friends are blindly opinionated towards her, they disgust me too.

This Ramadhan has been a battle for me. A tough challenge.

Patience, emotions, etc. I may have failed in some aspects. But I have to say, they have been some really really tough challenges.

Trying hard not to do anything against someone who acts so sickly and disgusting.

And also trying hard not to strike back when her friends (which sadly are my friends too) became opinionated and tried to corner me. It has all been some sick sick phenoma that I have to see and endure during a good month of Ramadhan.

Wish me luck, my dear Lord. Bless those mean people... Bless them with a good understanding of love and goodwill.
Amen.

You Jump I Stay on board

Whatever happened to the old quote "You Jump I Jump"? Now I'm drowning in high sea and she's still dry on board the ship

Fallback

Fallback...

Need to move forward and double the speed...

I need you... I really need you.

You have been the single light in my story.

It's you who could save me.

Belajar dari Website Ramal Jodoh dan Ramal Watak

Hari ini gw menemukan website baru. Keren pol!

www.indospiritual.com

Hebatnya website ini yang membuat gw langsung takjub dalam pandangan pertama adalah akurasinya yang luar biasa.

Dalam meramal watak, gw benar-benar geleng-geleng kepala disaat watak-watak asli gw dikupas berdasarkan nama gw dan tanggal lahir.
Berikut diantaranya:

" Dalam bersosialisasi, Anda orang yang cukup menarik dan mempunyai selera humor. Akan tetapi Anda cenderung mengalami kesepian karena hanya sedikit orang yang mengerti atau mengenal Anda yang sesungguhnya."

"Anda akan menikah dengan wanita yang cantik yang mempunyai intelektual, anggun, dan mengerti bagaimana norma berpakaian."

"Anda mempunyai kepercayaan diri, intelektualitas, dan daya kepemimpinan yang sangat tinggi. Anda juga termasuk orang mempunyai pandangan hidup yang luas. Ide-ide kreatif dapat menjadikan Anda sebagai pencetus dan penentu suatu kreasi atau tindakan."

"Anda adalah pemikir dan pencetus yang kreatif. Kreatifitas Anda tak terhingga. Kepribadian Anda yang dinamik dan kuat membuat Anda siap menerima tantangan. Apapun yang Anda impikan, Anda akan membuatnya menjadi kenyataan. Akan tetapi kehidupan Anda juga berpusat pada kehidupan spiritual karena karma berperan dalam hidup Anda apabila tidak memusatkan diri pada tindakan-tindakan yang benar dan menjadikan diri, Anda akan menjadi orang yang yang harus menyendiri dan kesepian."

Hahaha. See? Get the fuck outta here! It's like reading my mind!...

But then I play around with the website a little bit more and went into the 'ramal Jodoh' section

This one checks the compatibility of two people. What will happen if you start a family with a certain person, by looking at the birthdates.

Karena penasaran, tentunya nama pertama yang gw masukin adalah nama dia, P, my recent ex. The one who's been clogging my mind for around 2 months. Hasilnya? Keluarga bisa cari penghasilan, tapi tidak bisa menyimpan uang. Tabah dalam menghadapi penderitaan (-->oh syiit looks like akan byk penderitaan tuh), tetapi agak gelap hati (--> whatt?? gelap hati??)

I guess now i realised bahwa memang gw dan dia are not meant to be. Kalau gw paksakan memang benar mungkin prediksi ini bahwa yang ada di belakang sana hanyalah problema.

Lalu gw mencoba masukkan nama-nama wanita-wanita hebat yang pernah muncul dalam hidup gw, D, S, dan A. Surprising, hasilnya bagus2!!. Dengan orang-orang inilah maka gw diramal akan mampu memiliki keluarga yang baik. Terutama di hasil yg dengan si A. Benar-benar takjub.

Selama ini P merasa dirinya hebat. entah dari mana apakah itu pride dari dirinya sendiri, ataukah mantan-mantannya terdahulu kerap membohongi dia, atau mungkin memang bagi beberapa mantannya itu yah segitu adalah hebat. But unfortunately not for me. She was one of the worst girlfriend I've ever been with. Physically, service-wise, personality-wise, care-wise, and few more things. It is so shocking how someone who couldn't pass the fit-n-proper test can come inside my heart and rip it up ;) That's life. That's probably God's will. I can't do a thing about it. I gave her my heart (what's left of it). If her personality decided to rip it up, then it's all her choice, I can't do anything about it.

Jadi Hikmah dari hari ini?

Saat kita bertemu dengan seseorang dan hati anda tertampar seraya berkata 'this is the one!'.. Then he/she probably is. Kita harus lebih hati-hati dalam mengijinkan orang masuk ke dalam diri kita. Kadang subconcious kita sebenarnya sudah cukup faham, tapi kemarin dalam kasus saya, saya memberi kesempatan kepada seseorang yang tidak masuk fit-n-proper test saya (secara subconcious tentunya) dan ternyata berakhir dengan buruk dan saya menjadi pihak yang sangat dirugikan,

Pastikan ini tidak terjadi pada diri anda. Berhati-hatilah dalam memilih. Pilihlah dengan seksama. Biarkan fit-n-proper test yang natural anda itu bekerja.

Memberikan hati ke orang yang salah bisa menjadi malapetaka besar. :)

Saya sudah menguji ini di alat peramal jodoh tadi dengan memasukkan tanggal-tanggal lahir orang-orang yang benar-benar saya merasa yakin/ingin selama ini. Dan surprised to see the result bahwa jawabannya adalah bagus-bagus :)

Is This Ego?

Is this ego?

Naaahh.. I don't think so.

Why? Because I haven't even stated anything about going back. No.

It crossed my mind so many times. Yes I do love her. With all my heart. She is my comfort.

But I respect her decision so much. I see the reason behind it. Plus, if this is God's hand helping the both of us, I haven't planned anything to interfere with it.

So I'm taking it. Taking the blow. Taking the pain. It's alright.

This could be something good both for me or for her, no matter what is at the end of this.

The end does not matter that much. What matters more is that this is probably the direction God has given us.

And we shall live with that :)

Shut your fucking mouth!

The biggest challenge for me now is actually to SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH !!!

My mouth is the biggest dagger not only to other people but to me as well. So now I have to fuckin shut it! Shut it! Shut it!

Tangan Tuhan yang Dinantikan

Satu hal yang harus gue ingat terus di masa-masa seperti ini adalah bahwa ini adalah tangan Tuhan yang akhirnya turun dan interfere dalam permasalahan ini, persis sebagaimana doa gue kemarin-kemarin. Karena godaan, rasa rindu, rasa emosi, semua akan terus mengusik gue untuk melakukan suatu langkah. Tapi sebaiknya gue berhenti sejenak dan membiarkan campur tangan alam ini menyusun dan membuka tabir-tabir yang ada.

Yes, it's true. Akhirnya doa gue terkabul. Perubahan telah ditetapkan, dan semua bukan keputusan gue. Sehingga at least bisa membuat gue cukup merasa bahwa ini memang campur tangan Tuhan yang selama ini gue nanti-nantikan.

Endingnya seperti apa, jelas gue pun gak tahu. Dan juga, mungkin lebih tepatnya, endingnya akan seperti apapun tidak sevital evidence bahwa memang campur tangan Tuhan yang gue tunggu-tunggu akhirnya tiba. So what's gonna happen next is at least within God's surveillance. :)

Fingers crossed. Go with the flow. Let's see what tomorrow will bring me.

Make me stronger, ya Allah. Thank you dear Lord. Alhamdulillah.

A Call for God's Help

I spent the last few weeks trying to reduce the ego talking inside my brain (or heart, whichever we prefer to call it).

My chest still hurts from time to time. There are some moments of confidence towards a full acceptance, but then there are also other moments of heavy doubts. I don't know where my position is. One thing I know and I hold dear throughout this phase I'm living now is that I AM WILLING TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR ME. But that's only that. I'm not even sure if that's gonna be enough

And so after a while, it's no longer about the ego. But it's more about how these crazy past mistakes keep slicing my chest and creates a collection of papercuts on the heart. Tell you, it's so easy for people to act wisdom-ly and say "you should move on and accept her past. It's only in the past." It's just so easy for you to say. But it's not!

It's the papercuts. It's the questions like this: "What the fuck was going on in her head??". One mistake is alrite. But mistakes that was done time after time? It's like something that is so sick! so sickening! So I guess, it's more about the values!
These craziness is somehow very difficult to absorb. Conflicting values, HIGHLY CONFLICTING VALUES, is at war here.

And after moments of dilemma, and moments of pain, I would usually go back to the 1 principle I hold dear, "Whatever God gives me, I will accept, all heart!"
But is this what God really wants for me? Or is God really putting me in a place where I have to decide and breakthrough for my own happiness?

God, Jesus, they all forgive!
I think (maybe) I can forgive... it's just the papercuts.. the goddamn papercuts!!
I wish someone (I'm wishing it's you, Lord) would be kind enough to enlighten my path.
Please dear Lord, it's been going on for too long now. I don't wanna waste my time, and waste hers. If we are not supposed to be here, please don't let us be here. Because she may deserve to be in a better place, and the same goes with me. Maybe we shouldn't be together at the first place?
Show me your merciful hints, my dear Lord. Be merciful for me and her. I couldn't be the one to add another pain/disappoinment in her life, and I myself don't need another pain/disappointment.

HELP US, GOD ! WE DESPERATELY NEED YOU !
Amiin.

The Life Striver & The Most Expensive Thing in The Universe

A life striver is a person who attempt everything in his/her own might to fight the oddities (including the unexpected anomalies) of the world and seek the glories that life has to offer.

I've always considered myself as one of the life strivers. We have analysed our lives way back even before we understand a bit about life. We seek success and happiness through methods which are considered acceptable, fair, and wise. We don't always get success, because in failures we studied life's true essence.

 

One of fo the worst feeling for a life-striver is knowing how life would've been different, if only we were in the current stage we are in when we made our biggest life mistakes. We should've known better. But we did not know back then. We did not know.
Sadness grows in our heart knowing that some people (in our past) deserve 'the better-us' much better than the people in our present life. But in here, we could also be learning something. Accepting. !?


Not only accepting our life and how unplanned or even miserable it ends up to be, but also accepting every single person that is now here around us, regardless whether they are worthy or not.

Wisdoms like these are always easier said than done. Nonetheless, we are the life strivers, our path are probably much much longer than those who did not think. Our pain has probably doubled or tripled the common others. Now we know that it is better to be a pig than a Socrates. A pig will continue to tread its life without any worry. It is never in a state of misery, and it does not have an ability to imagine how it's like to be Socrates (could not compare or analyse). Meanwhile, Socrates has twice the miseries. One, because he knows he is in a misery, and two, because his mind has the ability to imagine the good life that a pig is probably having for not knowing.
 
It is better if we don't know so much. We should've known better (.....again). It's all too late now. We are the Socrates and we are not the pigs. The pain, the failures, and the bad fates that will continue to strike us, will be replaced by a wisdom unachieved by the pigs.


The pigs may end up getting all the good stuffs life has to offer,while our dearest treasure and souvenir of life is only our wisdom..... Probably the only thing we have left in us. The most expensive thing in this universe, because we paid it with our dear life.

Iya mungkin masih banget

Checklist:

Mau? Iya

Memaafkan? Iya

Menerima? Mungkin

Bahagia? Mungkin

Terbayang? Banget

Sedih? Masih

Sakit hati? Masih

Merasa tidak adil? Mungkin

Pasrah? Iya

Berserah diri? Iya

This is a big improvement. But I still need to work on the 'terbayang' and 'sedih'

Katanya menyanyi adalah obat kegalaun

Katanya menyanyi adalah obat kegalauan yang paling mujarab.

I guess I am blessed. Having this gig on saturday after what happened.
At least I can sing it. strums it. shout it. At least I can let out my emotion.
King of pain.. back on stage!

So effin' excited! yeaahhhhh!!!

What makes this gig so interesting?

1. It's the first time raygava et al (raygava, siput, and wibi) back on stage together again after months n months.
2. The gig will feature Gedang, a former guitarist of raygava et al back in 2008, and also back vocals by Debora and Dhiandra, 2 long time supporters of Raygava et al since our early journey in 2006.
3. We are NOT going to play songs by raygava !! :D yeaaayyy!!.. 

Song line-up :
My Sharona, Foxy Lady, Use Somebody.. and of course can't be on stage without playing Love is Just A Game.... ;)

Donal versus Untung

Kita semua juga mungkin sudah tahu bahwa di dunia ini ada orang-orang yang entah kenapa cenderung mendapatkan sebuah jalan kehidupan yang ribet atau mungkin berantakan.
Namun yang juga menarik adalah bahwa di dunia ini ada orang-orang tertentu juga yang blessed dengan sebuah kehidupan yang extraordinary-normal!

Begitu juga apabila berbicara tentang peruntungan. Di dunia ini banyak orang-orang yang entah bagaimana seolah-olah 'terkutuk' oleh nasib yang buruk. Lalu ada juga (sedikit) orang-orang yang entah bagaimana seolah-olah selalu dikaruniai oleh nasib baik/keberuntungan.
Yang selalu sial seperti si Donal Bebek. dan yang selalu beruntung adalah seperti si Untung.

Hal yang menarik disini bahwa kita tentu selalu ingat bahwa Donal ini pemarah, temperamental, dan sering mengeluh. Memang hidupnya berat. Tapi tampaknya keluhan dan amarah-amarahnya sama sekali tidak membantu memperbaiki suasana, no matter how much kita yakin bahwa memang Donal punya 'hak' untuk marah sedemikian rupa, mengingat kesialan yang dia alami yang kadang sangat tidak masuk akal.

Untung, on the other hand, terlihat cocky atau sombong. Dia dapat berjalan diatas muka bumi dengan bangganya, namun juga dengan sedemikian tenang karena ia tahu bahwa seluruh alam semesta bergerak mengkaruniai dia dengan berbagai keberuntungan, apapun yang ia lakukan.

Sebenarnya banyak sekali hikmah yang bisa kita dapatkan dari konsep dibalik Donal Bebek dan Untung. Dunia memang tidak adil, bahkan tidak pernah adil. Hal ini sebenarnya sudah diajarkan kepada diri kita semenjak kita kecil membaca komik Donal Bebek. Sayang kita tidak pernah belajar dan tidak pernah setuju, Seluruh darah yang mengalir dalam tubuh kita masing-masing seolah tidak terima bahwa dunia itu tidak adil! Semua jaringan syaraf dalam otak merasa yakin bahwa keadilan senantiasa akan datang.

Hal-hal inilah yang akhirnya membuat muncul perkataan-perkataan seperti, "Tenang aja.. mungkin belum waktunya saja" atau, "Gue yakin Tuhan akan memberikannya kepadamu nanti, pasti waktunya akan tiba"

Harapan, demi harapan, demi harapan akan keadilan. Semua selalu kita tumpuk dan kita jejalkan ke dalam kepala kita. Padahal kita tahu bahwa dari kecil sudah ada yang mencoba mengajarkan kita tentang ketidak-adilan dunia yaitu dalam bentuk Donal vs Untung ini.

Seolah-olah sangat sulit diterima bahwa mungkin 'kebahagiaan' atau 'keberuntungan' yang dinanti-nanti memang tidak akan pernah terwujud juga di masa mendatang.
Seseorang yang bertempur dengan penyakit dengan segala macam usaha dan doa mungkin akan mati anyway. Seseorang yang berjuang mendapatkan nilai bagus di tengah ketidakadilan sistem pendidikan di kampusnya mungkin tetap akan kena DO eventually. Seseorang yang dari remaja berusaha menata diri supaya bisa menjadi 'manusia bibit unggul' demi menjamin kebahagiaannya di masa depan, mungkin akan tetap diberi kehidupan yang berantakan anyway. Inilah fakta hidup. Sebuah fakta kejam yang manusia selalu sulit untuk terima di akal sehat kita.

Lalu, banyak orang mulai sok menganalisa, sehingga mereka berteori bahwa si Untung menjadi untung justru karena ia begitu ringan, santai, dan tenang; sedangkan Donal menjadi sial karena ia terlalu emosian dan pemarah. Dari sinilah muncul sekian banyak buku-buku self improvement yang mengajarkan positive thinking, hingga teori the secret. Manusia pun begitu mudah terbuai, seolah baru saja ditemukan jalan menuju kebahagiaan, sebuah ilusi semu. Mereka lupa bahwa buku self improvement sudah ada dari puluhan tahun lalu dengan konten yang hampir sama dan ternyata hidup manusia in general tidak juga makin baik. Bagi yang sudah digariskan untuk sial, akan tetap sial. Begitu juga sebaliknya, bagi yang sudah digariskan untuk menikmati dunia, maka ia akan menikmati dunia walaupun ia berulah macam-macam sekalipun. Gara-gara buku-buku self improvement yang menyesatkan inilah maka beberapa Donal di dunia ini pun mulai mencoba menjadi ringan, santai, positif, dan tenang, only to find out bahwa ternyata mereka tetap sial juga! hahahaa.

Changing our attitudes will never change our destiny. Dunia adalah tempat kejam dimana keadilan tidak hadir disini. ini fakta utama yang harus diserap semua manusia (termasuk, atau mungkin terutama, saya).

Yang akan berubah adalah begini : apabila Donal menjadi santai dan tidak pemarah, dia akan tetap sial, tetapi dia akan bisa menjalani hidupnya mungkin dengan lebih bahagia (lebih sedikit emosi, tekanan darah tidak tinggi, etc.)

Namun, tidak berhenti disini juga. Setiap Donal di dunia ini harus faham juga bahwa di luar sana, setiap Untung bisa melakukan hal-hal yang brengsek, rusak, bisa marah-marah, bisa emosian, dan mereka tetap mendapatkan kebahagiaan/keberuntungan hidup. Hal ini yang seringkali menjadi pemicu keirian terpendam dari para Donal.

Untungs can fuck up their life and still be lucky :)
Donals can bust their asses and work hard and still unlucky :)


That, ladies and gentlemen of the fine earth, is what we call LIFE.
Deal with it!

the massive bomb

It was a bomb. A massive one.

I couldn't take it. It was too big, too much. At least for me.

The problem of being a man in the middle of the spectrum is that you'll always have both ends of the spectrum hatin' you (cause they'll always think you're on the opposite end).

So, even for me, a guy in the mid spectrum,this is still very hard to take. It still hurts me, even though I know I'm not the one hurting.

A blow in the face.

Nasty facts hurt more when they are related to your loved ones. It always does.

Three years I've tried hard to change. And here I am, a totally different man. With less anger, less explosive emotions, less grudge, calmer, and wiser. Even when the improvements have been massive,  facts like these are still very hard to deal with.

I am no God. If I were, I would've forgiven you straight away.

I'm human and I've tried so hard for years to become a good person with clean rep and all. Struggling to avoid stupid things that I know will trouble me in the future, and now finding out that there's no credit for all those bullshits?

If only I knew about this all along, I'd do things differently. I would've let myself get carried away. Would've opted for a fucked up life. Would've opted for those fuckin drugs. Would've made someone pregnant! Fuck you! Yeah you! Fuck you!

Because there's just no difference, innit?

NO FUCKIN DIFFERENCE??

Now please explain me how can a boy who struggled hard for years to get a clean life like this accept someone's fucked up fate just because she did not struggle OR EVEN THINK?

Fuck you nature! Fuck you, earth! Fuck you, world!

It's a fucked up world altogether!

To survive in this cruel world, you should've fucked yourself up from the fuckin beginning!

It hurts me so much, more than you think. That I assure you.

As for this fuckin news bomb,  Ahhhh.. It was too big. Too much. A part of me knows damn well that I don't fuckin deserve this !

p.o.s.t.p.o.n.e.d.

Excited, scared, embarassed, proud, happy, sceptical, ... and many more. I've got a collection of different adjectives that are messed-up, complicated, double-standard, and full of controversy.


The feeling i've been having is undescribable. What has happened to me is probably both a blessing and a curse, thx to my razor mouth, they say.


Your mouth is your tiger, so they say.
And my mouth's been a lean mean sharp-cutting razor that would easily penetrate to people's heart. hahahhaa. I love to mock people, of course based on scientific and thorough research. But still, mocking people ain't somethin to be proud of. Karma is probably real. At least for me. No, maybe worse. At least I feel that whenever I did 2 bad things to people, I'd probably get 3 bad things for me. But yeah, whatever, we're living in an imbalanced world.

So maybe I get what I deserved. I don't even know what I do deserve. This is why life is God's mystery. The more you think you know about it, the blurrer it gets.
7 years ago, I was so sure of what life is, and had a perfect plan on how to tread it nicely and safely.
Oops! Wrong, brother!... No one will ever have a plan fit and proper enough to be applied perfectly in God's most un-idealistic realm.


Whatever.
At least I can say I'm happier.
And I'm still gonna thank Him for that.


Cheers, my Master! Thanks for new fate :)
At least I can see a change in direction. Ha haaa..
So much for suicides. Yep. p.o.s.t.p.o.n.e.d. fo shoooo!

RP

Wacan

Wacan = Wah Cantiknya !

Contoh penggunaan:
Budi: "Wacaan!"
Ahmed: "Apaan sih Wacan?"
Budi: "Singkatan dari Wah Cantiknya!"


(*__*") total pointless-madness!!

Been Awhile

The blogspot's been here for a real while. Reminds me of the old days in London. When was that? oh yeah, must be 2004 or sometime... It's still here, and maybe I will use it to express my thoughts. Them things I used to do at my Multiply account. I guess multiply's been my safe haven for years. Probably coz no one's bothered reading my stupid notes, save some of my multiply-active friends. others, they just don't know about nothing.

Then came facebook... and them notes they have there. But now's different. No one really check their facebook page anymore. they use blackberrys, iphones, and the lot.

So, back to basic. Blogspot, err?.. Return the layout to the most basic. Here comes the classic of 'thoughts-expressing' !

Mimpi

Dari mulai konspirasi robot, tembak2an dengan tentara2 penjaga, etc (agak lupa gimana menaklukkan babak yg satu ini) setting: Dunia masa depan, laboratorium riset di dalam gua2 yang memiliki lubang ke angkasa.

Pindah ke babak lain: ini juga lupa apa yg terjadi disini, daerahnya berbukit-bukit, berumput, setting seperti di peternakan, dari sini kabur naik gantole turun dari perbukitan.

Setting: era middle ages, kota kecil dg aktivitas pasar jmn dulu. melihat peperangan kecil antar jago2 di kota kecil tsb, tapi lalu tiba2 penguasa setempat mengggeledah seisi kota utk mengetahui dimana kami menyembunyikan sebuah barang berharga. Kami (kalo tdk salah bertiga) saling bersembunyi dan pura-pura bodoh setiap diinterogasi. Banyak rakyat yg dibunuh dan dipenggal. Saya sempat menyamar bergabung bersama seorang anak kecil di depan pintu rumahnya pura2 bernyanyi dengan walkman, disaat si penguasa (dan tentara2 jagalnya) lewat dan mengecek kami. Malamnya saya tidur di lantai, dan kami merencanakan utk memanjat pagar kawasan saat subuh.

Mimpinya seperti sebuah game yang memiliki banyak sekali stages/babak. Tiap babak diakhiri oleh misi kita yg selesai dan kita harus kabur dari kawasan tersebut (ada yg manjat, ada yg pake gantole). Mimpinya juga menggambarkan teamwork. Saya ingat di babak pertama (cerita futuristik) saya yg banyak berpikir jalan keluarnya. Di babak selanjutnya (yg saya lupa ceritanya) saya cuma ingat bahwa si partner jagoan saya, seorang kapten kapal, yang berjasa karena persistencenya dia dan kerelaan dia berkorban menanggung semua di babak tersebut. Di babak Middle-Ages yang penuh algojo itu pun rekan satunya lagi yg berjasa, orgnya agak kurus, karena dia yg memegang 'barang berharga' ini yang diincar penguasa setempat (entah apa itu).

sayangnya 90% dr mimpi akan langsung hilang dari ingatan anda bbrp saat stlh anda bangun.

Sedikit kmungkinan tafsir dari mimpi tad

Bermimpi melakukan perjalanan jauh : Tanda Umur panjang
Bermimpi dikejar2 orang : tanda akan mendapatkan rejeki
Bermimpi melihat orang lain menghunus pedang membunuh orang lain: artinya dpt menyelesaikan masalah org lain
bermimpi terbang menggunakan pesawat/alat: artinya anda mendapatkan undangan kehormatan atau istimewa berkenaan dengan prestasi dan keberhasilan anda

My Letter to God (2010 Jan 23)

Dear God,
I know I made a bad bad bad mistake, and I realise that it happened years ago. I know that none of my friends understands this, because they don't know anything, and it's okay.
If you are willing, I could really use your help. Please help me forgive myself. Please help me forgive my bad decision. I know it's probably unforgiven, but maybe I am human, as human as I can be. We are the sons of Adam, and even he could make one fatal mistake.

I've realised my mistakes. And now I am living my consequences.
Please help me forgive my friends and families for their incapabilities to understand how this feels.

But one request, dear God, if now my destiny takes me to a place where I will be 40, rich and succesful in career, still with one night stands, countless theories, a King of BLS (Bujang Lapuk Selektiph), Please take my life at 35. I know it's a lot to ask, but I hope you would do that if you are willing.

Because I'd rather die than having a life like that. I don't need no career. I don't need no money. They all mean nothing. I've already made a mistake so big that nothing seems to matter in this world. I hope I'm wrong. Please save me... because I'm so powerless.

Love,
RP

gavaism quick philosophy 003 : Further analysis on the 3 types of women

Ingat ga teori gw yg udah lama itu?
"Cuma ada 3 tipe cewe single yang tersisa dari angkatan 2000 ke atas"
Waktu itu gue tulis di tahun 2008 kalo ga salah.
Anyway sebenarnya jadi kalau disimpulakn memang umur 27an itu umur yang merupakan awal turning point dari kehidupan orang-orang (dalam hal ini Indonesia, khususnya Jakarta).

Just to refresh, 3 tipe tsb adalah:
1.Cewe yg sedang dalam hubungan hyper-serius (yang udah ga mgkn didapatkan)
2.Barang Rusak
3.Barang Reject

(for details silakan ubek-ubek notes fb gw jaman dulu atau mgkn disini jg kyknya ada deh)
Anyway, gw baru terpikir bahwa ini bisa terjadi demikian juga mendapatkan kontribusi dari tekanan sosial.

Dengan kata lain, karena tinggal di Jakarta, Indonesia, seorang wanita X, misalnya, berumur 30 tahun akan masuk kedalam golongan 'barang rusak' (broken goods).. Yang padahal, apabila ia seorang warga New York yang tumbuh dan besar disana, misalnya, maka diumur yang sama, ia belum mencapai batasan '3-tipe cewe' ini.. Mgkn dia belum rusak, dan mungkin dia juga belum bisa dibilang reject.

Maka dapat disimpulkan bahwa lokasi dimana seseorang hidup dan dibesarkan, menciptakan tekanan-tekanan sosial tertentu, yang pada akhirnya akan mempengaruhi batas dari umur-umur ini sendiri. Sebagai anak Jakarta yang sudah menganalisa warga2nya, mungkin saya melihat bagaimana cewe-cewe mulai menjadi 'barang rusak' (broken goods) di usia-usia seperti 26-29. Mungkin di New York bisa di umur 31-34. Mungkin di Wonosobo bisa di umur 22-25. Jadi faktor lokasi juga punya peran penting dalam filosofi '3 tipe cewe' ini.

Pertanyaan akhir: Lebih beruntung yang manakah? Orang-orang yang masuk dalam kategori '3-tipe cewe' ini lebih awal (seperti mgkn di Wonosobo), sehingga umur pembelajaran hidup mereka harus lebih cepat, ataukah justru lebih beruntung orang-orang yang lebih lama (seperti di New York) yang mungkin bisa melewati proses pembelajaran hidup yang lebih lama, and potentially lebih matang?

gavaism quick philosophy 002: Menemukan arah tarikan dari kereta (hidup) anda

 

Dasar:
Seneca menganalogikan jalan hidup kita seperti anjing yang diikat lehernya lalu talinya ditarik oleh kereta gerobak. Bila anjing melawan arah, yg ada cuma rasa sakit di leher yang tak tertahankan. Satu-satunya cara yang baik bagi si Anjing adalah dengan berlari ke arah yang sama dengan kereta tersebut.


Analisa:
Ada banyak kisah-kisah hidup seperti berikut ini: "wah pernikahan saya dengan dia, direstui Allah, karena entah knp saat kami menikah kami nekat tak punya uang, namun tiba2 rejeki datang begitu saja entah darimana. Berarti pasti ini 'meant to be'"

Baik pernikahan, cinta, karir, materi, dll, semua bisa terasa begitu pas ini sebenarnya hanya sebuah kondisi dimana somehow arah kemana anda ingin berlari tiba-tiba sama dengan arah kereta (hidup) anda berjalan. Sehingga tiba2 anda merasa ringan dan lalu berkata hal-hal seperti diatas tadi, dan familiar dg istilah 'meant to be'.
Banyak manusia-manusia yang cukup beruntung karena arahnya tepat (regardless dia sholat/gereja/sembahyang/ibadah atau engga). Sisanya, banyak pula manusia-manusia yang cukup sial karena 'kebetulan' arah yang ia ingin berjalan adalah berbeda dari arah kereta

Konklusi:
Tantangan bagi manusia yang sudah menyadari filosofi ini adalah menemukan arah kereta tsb berjalan. Despite banyak manusia yang 'kebetulan' arahnya pas, gak jarang kita berhadapan dengan saat-saat dimana kereta nya pun tidak kelihatan karena kabut yang sangat tebal, sehingga si anjing (dalam hal ini kita) hanya bisa mencoba-coba setiap arah, dan terus tertarik dan merasakan rasa sakit di leher, sambil masih menerka-nerka ke arah mana seharusnya ia berlari.

gavaism quick philosophy 001: The smarter u are, the more difficult your life becomes

Analisa:
- Semua orang pintar dan berpikir always have shitty lives (Socrates yg dibunuh, Seneca yg dipaksa bunuh diri, Nietsche yg merana, sampe Jesus yg disalib).
-  Semakin kita tahu/faham, semakin kita bingung, thus semakin kita terjebak.
- Orang-orang bodoh selalu end up better

Konklusi:
So are you sure u still want to be smart?