Saya ingin. Mereka ingin

Saya ingin tidur.

Pacar saya ingin saya jalan-jalan Jakarta.

Ortu saya ingin saya ikut ke puncak.

Teman-teman saya ingin saya ke Bandung.

Partner saya ingin saya review tulisannya.

Klien-klien saya ingin saya segera kirim tulisan report (yang belum dikirim juga oleh partner saya karena belum direview)

Bos-bos saya kira hidup saya enak dan bisa istirahat.

Ohh pusingnya. 

No money No time

I was a musician. Without money and without glory. Without anyone who really love me.

But I've been missing that era so dearly. I miss my Tascam cassete 4track recorder I used to use to record composition ideas.

I miss mixing with my laptop. Now I don't have any mixing software in my laptop. I miss holding my guitar in the middle of the night as if it's the only thing in the world who understands me and understands what I was going throught at the time.

My musical era can be regarded as dark times. But I have to approve that it was, ironically, the age of ideas.

Some of the ideas I've got from the era are still documented. I'm dying to record some of these songs. I feel like I want to scream. I wanna get out! I wanna be broke again!

Around 27 months ago, I had only 400,000 rupiahs in my bank account. I had closed 2 accounts, leaving nothing. I remember those days so much.

I've went far, in term of financial, Alhamdulillah. But my anxiety still haunts me every time. I used to be a person with no money.

Now, I'm a person with no time :(

Detach and Attach

Detaching from some attaching to some others is the process of getting old. :( wish we could just attach to more and detach from none!

Karma is not a bitch

Karma is not a bitch. She is !

Ha ha ha

Mencari Pasangan Seperti Memilih Baju dalam Lemari

Mencari pasangan itu seperti memilih baju dari lemari pakaian.
Semakin banyak pilihan yang anda miliki, sebenarnya malah membuat anda semakin bingung baju mana yang sebaiknya anda pakai hari ini.

Kita semua pasti pernah kan membuka lemari dan merasa bosan karena baju yang dipilih itu-itu aja. Dari situ lah kita semua lalu mulai membeli baju/sepatu/apapun yang baru. Tanpa sadar, yang tadinya anda dihadapkan kepada pilihan 3 model baju untuk pergi ke mall, sekarang tahu-tahu anda sudah punya 10 kombinasi model baju yang dapat anda gunakan untuk style berpakaian ke mall.
Yang tadinya anda cuma punya 2 sepatu kets berwarna putih, tanpa sadar sekarang anda sudah memiliki 5 sepatu kets warna putih dengan berbagai merek dan style. Yang tadinya sebuah baju akan menikmati 'rotasi pemakaian' selama 3 tahun lamanya, setelah persaingan semakin banyak akhirnya sekarang baju baru hanya menikmati rotasi selama paling-paling 6 bulan.

Hal yang sama sebenarnya dirasakan manusia modern seperti kita semua ini juga, terutama menyangkut musik.

Pada jaman dahulu disaat kita harus membeli album untuk menikmati sebuah karya musik, kita menjadi lebih menghargai satu album sebagai sebuah karya keseluruhan dan dapat merasakan experience satu album tersebut sehingga kita merasa connected dengan musisi dalam album tersebut, dan merasa memahami apa yang ada dalam pikirannya saat menyusun album itu. Karena kita actually mengeluarkan uang untuk membeli album tersebut, kita menjadi lebih sayang dan menyatu dengan album tersebut sehingga CD/Kasetnya ada di mobil/kamar kita dalam jangka waktu yang lebih lama, dari mulai 6 bulan hingga 3 tahun.

Sekarang dengan era digital, dimana mp3 tinggal di-click maka sudah berpindah lokasi ke dalam hard drive anda, secara tidak sadar kita semua taking for granted karya-karya musik. Mp3 didownload lagu-lagu hits nya saja sehingga kita tahu ada lagu Teenage Dream dan ada lagu Fireworks tapi kita tidak faham album Teenage Dream secara keseluruhan. Kurang lebih seperti itu. Revolusi dalam experience dalam mengapresiasi musik sudah sangat berubah. Kita adalah generasi instan ketika kita sudah tahu bahwa kita memiliki kemudahan dalam 'memilih' musik yang ingin kita dengar. Semakin mudah kita mendownload dan share musik-musik hits terkini maka semakin kita lupa menikmati karya album sebuah musisi sebagai satu kesatuan karya seni yang utuh. Dengan berkembang pesatnya musik dan kemudahan bagi kita untuk mendapatkan musik-musik terbaru, jangka waktu sebuah karya musik yang kita nikmati juga menurun. Sebuah lagu hits terbaru dari Taio Cruz, misalnya paling-paling akan anda nikmati selama 3 bulan saja, selepasnya suddenly lagu tersebut jadi agak norak kalo masih didengerin. That's the bad thing about Pop music, and that's why music like John Mayer, Corinne B Rae, Dave Matthews Band, etc stay a lot lot longer in your iPod. But that's for another story ;)

Jadi sebenarnya saya ngomongin apa sih? Pasangan? Baju? atau Lagu?... Hehehehe

I Never Asked for This

I never asked for a life like this. Well, maybe I did. But hey, that was years ago, 4 to 6 years ago. After I resigned from work in 2008, and tried to focus only for my happiness. I knew that I have made a step to 'slow down' in life.

Sake after sashimi at ikebukuro, Tokyo

Some people they ask for a life in the fast lane. They never understand that those who do live in fast lane often dream about having  a much slower life... There is a reason for the term 'settling down', you see. It's settling down, no one has ever called it settling up.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I pleaded over and over to be a normal person with a slower but much happier life. God want it differently and I can't say no to this. To have a life like this is still considered a blessing!.... somehow...

Total Goddess

2 Kilos in 2 days of hardcore eating.

Mie Acim and the Dena drink

well.....
She's a total goddess... and there's no regret whatsoever.

The one I've been escaping from / The one who saved my life at the end of the night

I'm gonna write this story before I forgot all that had happened.

This is a story about how someone I tried hard to escape from, run away from, and forget all about for months, turned out to be the one who saved my life at the end of the night.

This story was simply a pure plain stupidity. After failing to fly to Medan, I finally decided to go to Playground. Arrange to meet friends, and planned to get high on LSD... Okay that's the start of the chaotic night.

One thing I forgot to remember was, that how in hell can I drive if I'm high on LSD?

Cutting things real short. I went there with Denise n friends. The muddiest event I've ever been in as it rained in the afternoon before the event. There I spent my time with my PL friends, all were high.. until I met Kandhita and then I spent more of the time with her and her friends.

But out of all those people, how is it possible that I bumped into the one I've been hiding away from? The one I never wanted to know about anymore, for the past few months?

At the end, people went back home. One by one. I was left finally without anyone I know. So I decided to return to my car and go back home. Only to find that I was too fucked up to do anything. It was even hard to get the keys into the damn keyhole. Hahahahaa.. so I was there inside my car, behind the driving wheel, not knowing what to do. I can't move my car and i was scared shitless! My heart was pounding and my hands are all shaking throughout the night. I've never had the experiences of driving in this situation before. I had often done drunk-driving and was fine, thank God. But never in this state. Shiiitttt!!!

The only one I can think about at that time was her. Maybe not because I thought she's the most important person in my life,  but because she was the last person I remember seeing, and somehow I knew would care enough to help me out.

So she was there in her car on Arteri PI, with 3 cans of bear brand milk for me. Very nice of her. Waited for me for a while as I was in such a wasted state.

God bless her... But too bad I don't think I can be with her anymore. She had her chances. Not one not two. Much more than that. But it's okay. That's life. It's strange, it's weird, and I don't know the end of this tunnel. Hell, I dont even have the clue for the riddle.

#MOR continues...

#MOR day 14. Still very tough. Thought abt it a lot, esp lately. But I know it's not rite. The #MOR is my path! The rest is just shite!

The place where I was is a place where there's no white! A place where there's no light! All those values that you'd fight! Ain't goin back to the place where I was ! 

Sounds Rhymey just like a rapper, innit?

Anyway, that's before noon.

In the afternoon a bomb dropped in my inbox. An email from her. She said it took her 20 days to send this email. Who waits for 20 days to send emails?

She sent a song. A youtube link. Natasha st.Pier - Tu Trouveras.

Nope. Not a rappy song! rather, a sad-dy song.. Not good! Had to stop! I'm starting to think about her again. No! Not rite!

Wait !!!... Pause !!!....

Okay.. Moving on!

Sorry I couldnt reply the email. #MOR forbids me to reply anything coming from you! Come back after "Eid"!

Cheerio!

BLS Research: I'm the person who found Cancer !!

My quest in my BLS research was (or maybe is) one of the most tiring part of my life. I did my best, put out all effort in analysing and conducting various experiments.

It's like I'm the person who found Cancer!! I know the symptoms, case studies, effects, and causes. I know all details and I can tell people about numerous facts and findings. But I can't find the cure!

And funny to see how people think it's abt me & my theories when actually it's about me trying to help cure/prevent them from 'cancer' 

Do you even know who found Cancer? it was Hippocrates, a Greek.. Not very popular eh? 

That's because he did not find the solution/cure :(

Sick of it & Disgusted

To be honest I'm sick of everything. Sick and disgusted. Last nite I didn't even bother to see Rehan to talk about it, because it's just so disgusting I don't wanna know anything anymore.

So Truthfully, I don't wanna write it down here either. But then I thought, all lessons in life are worth to document. May not be useful for me, but for others. Maybe my children.

So, here goes.

Meeting her or knowing her can now be categorised as one of the biggest mistakes in my life. A person can be so despicable in her past but then may have changed and become a new person with a much better personalities and values. But for this case, the personalities and values never changed. A bitch will always be a bitch. A slut will always be a slut. There is a value there that will not change. Ever.

Air susu akan terus dibalas air tuba, dan niat baik akan selalu dibalas oleh niat jahar. It's a fact I have to face with her. My love for her and my good intentions are all worthless.

Her personalities and values really really disgust me!

And now that her friends are blindly opinionated towards her, they disgust me too.

This Ramadhan has been a battle for me. A tough challenge.

Patience, emotions, etc. I may have failed in some aspects. But I have to say, they have been some really really tough challenges.

Trying hard not to do anything against someone who acts so sickly and disgusting.

And also trying hard not to strike back when her friends (which sadly are my friends too) became opinionated and tried to corner me. It has all been some sick sick phenoma that I have to see and endure during a good month of Ramadhan.

Wish me luck, my dear Lord. Bless those mean people... Bless them with a good understanding of love and goodwill.
Amen.

You Jump I Stay on board

Whatever happened to the old quote "You Jump I Jump"? Now I'm drowning in high sea and she's still dry on board the ship

Fallback

Fallback...

Need to move forward and double the speed...

I need you... I really need you.

You have been the single light in my story.

It's you who could save me.

Belajar dari Website Ramal Jodoh dan Ramal Watak

Hari ini gw menemukan website baru. Keren pol!

www.indospiritual.com

Hebatnya website ini yang membuat gw langsung takjub dalam pandangan pertama adalah akurasinya yang luar biasa.

Dalam meramal watak, gw benar-benar geleng-geleng kepala disaat watak-watak asli gw dikupas berdasarkan nama gw dan tanggal lahir.
Berikut diantaranya:

" Dalam bersosialisasi, Anda orang yang cukup menarik dan mempunyai selera humor. Akan tetapi Anda cenderung mengalami kesepian karena hanya sedikit orang yang mengerti atau mengenal Anda yang sesungguhnya."

"Anda akan menikah dengan wanita yang cantik yang mempunyai intelektual, anggun, dan mengerti bagaimana norma berpakaian."

"Anda mempunyai kepercayaan diri, intelektualitas, dan daya kepemimpinan yang sangat tinggi. Anda juga termasuk orang mempunyai pandangan hidup yang luas. Ide-ide kreatif dapat menjadikan Anda sebagai pencetus dan penentu suatu kreasi atau tindakan."

"Anda adalah pemikir dan pencetus yang kreatif. Kreatifitas Anda tak terhingga. Kepribadian Anda yang dinamik dan kuat membuat Anda siap menerima tantangan. Apapun yang Anda impikan, Anda akan membuatnya menjadi kenyataan. Akan tetapi kehidupan Anda juga berpusat pada kehidupan spiritual karena karma berperan dalam hidup Anda apabila tidak memusatkan diri pada tindakan-tindakan yang benar dan menjadikan diri, Anda akan menjadi orang yang yang harus menyendiri dan kesepian."

Hahaha. See? Get the fuck outta here! It's like reading my mind!...

But then I play around with the website a little bit more and went into the 'ramal Jodoh' section

This one checks the compatibility of two people. What will happen if you start a family with a certain person, by looking at the birthdates.

Karena penasaran, tentunya nama pertama yang gw masukin adalah nama dia, P, my recent ex. The one who's been clogging my mind for around 2 months. Hasilnya? Keluarga bisa cari penghasilan, tapi tidak bisa menyimpan uang. Tabah dalam menghadapi penderitaan (-->oh syiit looks like akan byk penderitaan tuh), tetapi agak gelap hati (--> whatt?? gelap hati??)

I guess now i realised bahwa memang gw dan dia are not meant to be. Kalau gw paksakan memang benar mungkin prediksi ini bahwa yang ada di belakang sana hanyalah problema.

Lalu gw mencoba masukkan nama-nama wanita-wanita hebat yang pernah muncul dalam hidup gw, D, S, dan A. Surprising, hasilnya bagus2!!. Dengan orang-orang inilah maka gw diramal akan mampu memiliki keluarga yang baik. Terutama di hasil yg dengan si A. Benar-benar takjub.

Selama ini P merasa dirinya hebat. entah dari mana apakah itu pride dari dirinya sendiri, ataukah mantan-mantannya terdahulu kerap membohongi dia, atau mungkin memang bagi beberapa mantannya itu yah segitu adalah hebat. But unfortunately not for me. She was one of the worst girlfriend I've ever been with. Physically, service-wise, personality-wise, care-wise, and few more things. It is so shocking how someone who couldn't pass the fit-n-proper test can come inside my heart and rip it up ;) That's life. That's probably God's will. I can't do a thing about it. I gave her my heart (what's left of it). If her personality decided to rip it up, then it's all her choice, I can't do anything about it.

Jadi Hikmah dari hari ini?

Saat kita bertemu dengan seseorang dan hati anda tertampar seraya berkata 'this is the one!'.. Then he/she probably is. Kita harus lebih hati-hati dalam mengijinkan orang masuk ke dalam diri kita. Kadang subconcious kita sebenarnya sudah cukup faham, tapi kemarin dalam kasus saya, saya memberi kesempatan kepada seseorang yang tidak masuk fit-n-proper test saya (secara subconcious tentunya) dan ternyata berakhir dengan buruk dan saya menjadi pihak yang sangat dirugikan,

Pastikan ini tidak terjadi pada diri anda. Berhati-hatilah dalam memilih. Pilihlah dengan seksama. Biarkan fit-n-proper test yang natural anda itu bekerja.

Memberikan hati ke orang yang salah bisa menjadi malapetaka besar. :)

Saya sudah menguji ini di alat peramal jodoh tadi dengan memasukkan tanggal-tanggal lahir orang-orang yang benar-benar saya merasa yakin/ingin selama ini. Dan surprised to see the result bahwa jawabannya adalah bagus-bagus :)

Is This Ego?

Is this ego?

Naaahh.. I don't think so.

Why? Because I haven't even stated anything about going back. No.

It crossed my mind so many times. Yes I do love her. With all my heart. She is my comfort.

But I respect her decision so much. I see the reason behind it. Plus, if this is God's hand helping the both of us, I haven't planned anything to interfere with it.

So I'm taking it. Taking the blow. Taking the pain. It's alright.

This could be something good both for me or for her, no matter what is at the end of this.

The end does not matter that much. What matters more is that this is probably the direction God has given us.

And we shall live with that :)

Shut your fucking mouth!

The biggest challenge for me now is actually to SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH !!!

My mouth is the biggest dagger not only to other people but to me as well. So now I have to fuckin shut it! Shut it! Shut it!

Tangan Tuhan yang Dinantikan

Satu hal yang harus gue ingat terus di masa-masa seperti ini adalah bahwa ini adalah tangan Tuhan yang akhirnya turun dan interfere dalam permasalahan ini, persis sebagaimana doa gue kemarin-kemarin. Karena godaan, rasa rindu, rasa emosi, semua akan terus mengusik gue untuk melakukan suatu langkah. Tapi sebaiknya gue berhenti sejenak dan membiarkan campur tangan alam ini menyusun dan membuka tabir-tabir yang ada.

Yes, it's true. Akhirnya doa gue terkabul. Perubahan telah ditetapkan, dan semua bukan keputusan gue. Sehingga at least bisa membuat gue cukup merasa bahwa ini memang campur tangan Tuhan yang selama ini gue nanti-nantikan.

Endingnya seperti apa, jelas gue pun gak tahu. Dan juga, mungkin lebih tepatnya, endingnya akan seperti apapun tidak sevital evidence bahwa memang campur tangan Tuhan yang gue tunggu-tunggu akhirnya tiba. So what's gonna happen next is at least within God's surveillance. :)

Fingers crossed. Go with the flow. Let's see what tomorrow will bring me.

Make me stronger, ya Allah. Thank you dear Lord. Alhamdulillah.

A Call for God's Help

I spent the last few weeks trying to reduce the ego talking inside my brain (or heart, whichever we prefer to call it).

My chest still hurts from time to time. There are some moments of confidence towards a full acceptance, but then there are also other moments of heavy doubts. I don't know where my position is. One thing I know and I hold dear throughout this phase I'm living now is that I AM WILLING TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR ME. But that's only that. I'm not even sure if that's gonna be enough

And so after a while, it's no longer about the ego. But it's more about how these crazy past mistakes keep slicing my chest and creates a collection of papercuts on the heart. Tell you, it's so easy for people to act wisdom-ly and say "you should move on and accept her past. It's only in the past." It's just so easy for you to say. But it's not!

It's the papercuts. It's the questions like this: "What the fuck was going on in her head??". One mistake is alrite. But mistakes that was done time after time? It's like something that is so sick! so sickening! So I guess, it's more about the values!
These craziness is somehow very difficult to absorb. Conflicting values, HIGHLY CONFLICTING VALUES, is at war here.

And after moments of dilemma, and moments of pain, I would usually go back to the 1 principle I hold dear, "Whatever God gives me, I will accept, all heart!"
But is this what God really wants for me? Or is God really putting me in a place where I have to decide and breakthrough for my own happiness?

God, Jesus, they all forgive!
I think (maybe) I can forgive... it's just the papercuts.. the goddamn papercuts!!
I wish someone (I'm wishing it's you, Lord) would be kind enough to enlighten my path.
Please dear Lord, it's been going on for too long now. I don't wanna waste my time, and waste hers. If we are not supposed to be here, please don't let us be here. Because she may deserve to be in a better place, and the same goes with me. Maybe we shouldn't be together at the first place?
Show me your merciful hints, my dear Lord. Be merciful for me and her. I couldn't be the one to add another pain/disappoinment in her life, and I myself don't need another pain/disappointment.

HELP US, GOD ! WE DESPERATELY NEED YOU !
Amiin.

Iya mungkin masih banget

Checklist:

Mau? Iya

Memaafkan? Iya

Menerima? Mungkin

Bahagia? Mungkin

Terbayang? Banget

Sedih? Masih

Sakit hati? Masih

Merasa tidak adil? Mungkin

Pasrah? Iya

Berserah diri? Iya

This is a big improvement. But I still need to work on the 'terbayang' and 'sedih'

Katanya menyanyi adalah obat kegalaun

Katanya menyanyi adalah obat kegalauan yang paling mujarab.

I guess I am blessed. Having this gig on saturday after what happened.
At least I can sing it. strums it. shout it. At least I can let out my emotion.
King of pain.. back on stage!

So effin' excited! yeaahhhhh!!!

What makes this gig so interesting?

1. It's the first time raygava et al (raygava, siput, and wibi) back on stage together again after months n months.
2. The gig will feature Gedang, a former guitarist of raygava et al back in 2008, and also back vocals by Debora and Dhiandra, 2 long time supporters of Raygava et al since our early journey in 2006.
3. We are NOT going to play songs by raygava !! :D yeaaayyy!!.. 

Song line-up :
My Sharona, Foxy Lady, Use Somebody.. and of course can't be on stage without playing Love is Just A Game.... ;)