A Call for God's Help

I spent the last few weeks trying to reduce the ego talking inside my brain (or heart, whichever we prefer to call it).

My chest still hurts from time to time. There are some moments of confidence towards a full acceptance, but then there are also other moments of heavy doubts. I don't know where my position is. One thing I know and I hold dear throughout this phase I'm living now is that I AM WILLING TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT GOD HAS PREPARED FOR ME. But that's only that. I'm not even sure if that's gonna be enough

And so after a while, it's no longer about the ego. But it's more about how these crazy past mistakes keep slicing my chest and creates a collection of papercuts on the heart. Tell you, it's so easy for people to act wisdom-ly and say "you should move on and accept her past. It's only in the past." It's just so easy for you to say. But it's not!

It's the papercuts. It's the questions like this: "What the fuck was going on in her head??". One mistake is alrite. But mistakes that was done time after time? It's like something that is so sick! so sickening! So I guess, it's more about the values!
These craziness is somehow very difficult to absorb. Conflicting values, HIGHLY CONFLICTING VALUES, is at war here.

And after moments of dilemma, and moments of pain, I would usually go back to the 1 principle I hold dear, "Whatever God gives me, I will accept, all heart!"
But is this what God really wants for me? Or is God really putting me in a place where I have to decide and breakthrough for my own happiness?

God, Jesus, they all forgive!
I think (maybe) I can forgive... it's just the papercuts.. the goddamn papercuts!!
I wish someone (I'm wishing it's you, Lord) would be kind enough to enlighten my path.
Please dear Lord, it's been going on for too long now. I don't wanna waste my time, and waste hers. If we are not supposed to be here, please don't let us be here. Because she may deserve to be in a better place, and the same goes with me. Maybe we shouldn't be together at the first place?
Show me your merciful hints, my dear Lord. Be merciful for me and her. I couldn't be the one to add another pain/disappoinment in her life, and I myself don't need another pain/disappointment.

HELP US, GOD ! WE DESPERATELY NEED YOU !
Amiin.