No money No time

I was a musician. Without money and without glory. Without anyone who really love me.

But I've been missing that era so dearly. I miss my Tascam cassete 4track recorder I used to use to record composition ideas.

I miss mixing with my laptop. Now I don't have any mixing software in my laptop. I miss holding my guitar in the middle of the night as if it's the only thing in the world who understands me and understands what I was going throught at the time.

My musical era can be regarded as dark times. But I have to approve that it was, ironically, the age of ideas.

Some of the ideas I've got from the era are still documented. I'm dying to record some of these songs. I feel like I want to scream. I wanna get out! I wanna be broke again!

Around 27 months ago, I had only 400,000 rupiahs in my bank account. I had closed 2 accounts, leaving nothing. I remember those days so much.

I've went far, in term of financial, Alhamdulillah. But my anxiety still haunts me every time. I used to be a person with no money.

Now, I'm a person with no time :(

Top 20 Best Songs of 2010 (Raygava version)

Okay, I've decided to create a list of Top 20 Best Songs (my version) of 2010. The songs have to be released within 2010. The later ones released are gonna be easy, but I'll try to make it fair and include the ones released earlier in the year. Oh, and another thing about me, I'm not those types of person who try so hard to be considered 'niche' and therefore only put 'weird' dan uncommon songs in their list just to make people think, "hey this guy must have a unique and distinct taste" BULLSHIT! Music is music. It can be popular, it can be a hit, and it can also be hidden under the radar. If it's good music to me then it's good music. I don't care if it's popular or not.... anyways, enough babbling, Here goes!

20 : Kansai - Ra Ra Riot

19 : Pack Up - Eliza Doolittle

18 : Her Words Destroy My Planet - Motion City Soundtrack

17 : Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars

16 : Back It Up - Caro Emerald

15 : Dance Mother - Sweet Thing

14 : Rhythm of Love - Plain White T's

13 : You and I - Secondhand Serenade

12 : Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz

11 : Fireflies : Owl City

10 : Up in The Clouds - Darwin Deez

09 : Nothin' On You - B.o.B feat. Bruno Mars

08 : Captive - Sarah Harmer

07 : Self Machine - I Blame Coco

06 : The Girl is Gone - Mystery Jets

05 : Shadowcasting - Ra Ra Riot

04 : Magic - B.o.B feat. Rivers Cuomo

03 : Serotonin - Mystery Jets

02 : No Mozart - Natasha Beddingfield

01 : Love - Lesley Meguid

There you go! Finally! phewww!.. It was a tough one when I got into the top 7 songs..

So, as you see... You will find in my list some popular songs such as the phenomenal 'Nothin' on You', 'Just The Way You Are', 'Magic' and 'Break Your Heart'.. Some 'cool' people would probably consider these too popular to be in my list, but I don't care. They are good quality songs and deserved to be there!

Songs from John Mayer's Battle Studies, although influential to a lot of people in early 2010, but the album itself was launched late 2009, so I can't put it here. Others like Eric Hutchinson's or Corinne Bailey Rae's are also the same. If I could include them, you would see a totally different top 20.

Another thing you probably see in my list are songs from a repeated singer. BoB, Bruno Mars, Mystery Jets, Ra Ra Riot appeared more than once. To some extent, this shows the quality of the album, or how really influential their music was (to me) in 2010. Some came close to appearing twice, such as Sarah Harmer and Plain White T's. They would've been if this is a Top 25 best songs list. hehehhee...

Anyway, congrats Lesley Meguid! Your track reached the top. It was really hard to select between your 'Love' track, Natasha Beddingfield's 'No Mozart', and Mystery Jets' 'Serotonin'. For a time I thought Serotonin would go to first easily because I loved it so much back in August to October. But then their lower production quality forced me to drop them down to 3rd place.

Serotonin album was probably the best album for me in 2010, personally. Very influential despite their limitations. I've managed to get the musical message they wanted to send out, which most people did not, because many of my friends would only consider them as another Killer-wannabes. Dude, I didn't even like The Killers. Sarah Harmer did a great great job with Oh Little Fire album, also brilliant! But Natasha Beddingfield's Strip Me is just a magical genius work, it's just so hard not to love this, even for me who is quite indifferent for this music genre.

"Titi..Tiara" Lyric

Lyric:
Titi...Tiara
by: Raygava

Kau sadar dirimu punya selera bagus dan semua tahu
Kutahu ayahmu punya rumah bagus di Kebayoran Baru

Dijemput di mobil hitammu
Dengan supirmu yang mengangguk sopan dengan batik warna biru

Semua tahu ibumu adalah selebriti masa lalu
Dan dia tahu bila kamu suka terkapar mabuk di lantai diskou

6 butir obat tidurmu
Tak akan mampu menghentikanmu dari perantauan malammu

Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Pacarku

Di majalah sosialita banyak fotomu bersama teman
Dengan tatanan rambut indah dari salon termahal di Gunawarman

Jalanmu yang teramat pede
Ketika kau masuki mall terkenal di kawasan SCBD

Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Bajumu.. yang termurah
Kau beli di pondok indah
dan kau jarang merendah...

Kemarin kau rayakan ulangtahunmu yang ke-19
Tanpa sadar kau teguk minumanmu 25 gelas

Engkau jarang merasa sepi
Pestapora di apartemenmu di daerah Setiabudi

Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Titi titi titi Tiara
Ha ha ha ha

18 March 2009 - The Evil of Desire

Semakin jauh rasanya dari hari ‘peluncuran album’ di Januari, dan semakin dekat rasanya kepada hari dimana saya akan gulung tikar, menurunkan gorden, dan menutup perjalanan panjang Raygava et al ini. Memang sih, itu masih akan terjadi di bulan Juni, namun semua terasa semakin dekat. Saya pun sudah memahami bahwa apabila saya harus berdamai dengan sesuatu, sesuatu itu adalah diri saya sendiri.

Kebetulan baru saja saya melihat acara televisi berjudul Tribe di Discovery channel. Acaranya sedang membahas kunjungannya ke tribe di Tibet. Walau tidak memperhatikan dari awal, disini pembawa acara menunjukkan dengan jelas ambisi dia untuk bisa mendaki Everest ke sebuah lokasi tertentu yg termasuk cukup tinggi untuk orang awam. Sebelum ditampilkan perjalanan dia mendaki gunung selama berhari-hari itu, dalam narasinya, ia mengungkit bagaimana Buddha sering mengajarkan bagi umat manusia untuk bisa ‘menahan’ desire-nya, dikatakan karena desire itu akan membawa evil. Karena desire dapat menimbulkan rasa sakit, kecewa, dan perasaan-perasaan lain yang serupa. Maka itulah dilakukan meditasi, sebuah usaha untuk meredam desire tersebut.

Perjalanan yang dilakukan pembawa acara Tribe ini cukup sulit, mengingat salju menumpuk sangat tinggi; dengan kata lain, ia datang dan mencoba mendaki di musim yang salah. Berhari-hari sudah si pembawa acara ini memaksa untuk bisa terus maju walau dalam kondisi alam yang tidak memungkinkan. Begitu tebal saljunya persis sekali dengan kondisi yang tergambarkan di komik Tintin in Tibet. Hingga suatu hari dimana tidak ada jalan lain selain kembali. Kawanan Yak pembawa barang-barang sudah tidak mampu lagi mendaki tebing yang curam dan bersalju, sehingga mau tidak mau seluruh tim harus pasrah dan kembali. Disitulah lalu dia menceritakan bagaimana dia sungguh kecewa dengan apa yang menimpanya. Sudah berbulan-bulan lamanya dia memimpikan akan mampu mendaki Everest ini. Dan dia tahu bahwa dia mampu, dia tidak pernah gagal dalam tantangan-tantangan fisik. Namun disini, pada akhirnya bukanlah kemampuan fisiknya yang akhirnya membuyarkan impiannya. Pada saat sebelum berputar turun gunung itulah dia lalu bercerita kepada pemirsa, bagaimana akhirnya dia mengerti apa yang dimaksud Buddha. Keinginan besarnya untuk mendaki gunung Everest inilah yang membuat dirinya buta dan terus memaksa sepanjang perjalanan, disaat para sherpa menyarankan untuk kembali karena misi ini cukup mustahil dalam kondisi alam yang demikian. Dan sekarang ia mengerti bagaimana sebuah desire bisa berakibat fatal, karena dapat menimbulkan rasa sakit, kecewa, dan frustrasi.

Sebuah tontonan yang inspirational sehingga mampu membuat saya bergegas menuju ke laptop saya ini dan menulis tulisan ini. Saya pun langsung mengerti bagaimana semua ini terjadi, dan hikmah apa yang harus saya ambil terkait dengan perjalanan saya ini.

Raygava et al tidak pernah sebelumnya menjadi sebuah desire yang demikian besar. Saya masih ingat pertama kali saya berencana kembali dari London waktu masih di tahun 2005-2006. Waktu itu saya membayangkan bahwa di Jakarta saya akan bekerja sampai jam 6-7-an lalu jam 9 malam akan bermain untuk sebuah band cafe. Terpikirkah disitu Raygava et al yang saya kenal saat ini? Sama sekali tidak.

Entah mengapa dalam perjalanannya tiba-tiba keinginan untuk ‘mendokumentasikan karya’ Raygava et al ini menjadi demikian besar. Semakin lama semakin menumpuk, dan semakin besar. Dan lalu tahun demi tahun berlalu sehingga seluruh target tiba-tiba berubah. Hingga 2008 akhirnya saya sudah mencapai titik dimana album dari Raygava et al menjadi sebuah blind desire, titik dimana akhirnya saya harus melakukan apapun sebisa mungkin untuk memastikan bahwa album ini berhasil diluncurkan.

Hal inilah yang membuat pengorbanan demi pengorbanan pada akhirnya dilakukan tanpa terasa. Dari mulai pengorbanan-pengorbanan di kehidupan sosial, uang-uang tabungan yang menguap dengan begitu cepat, bahkan terhadap umur yang terus bertambah, semua benar-benar tidak pernah mengganggu pikiran saya. Target saya sudah jelas, dan saya sudah terbutakan untuk bisa memenuhi target tersebut. Seperti pembawa acara Tribe tersebut, Raygava et al pun apabila memang gagal, bukan gagal karena musiknya jelek, melainkan faktor ‘alam’. Tuhan pun telah berulang kali menghambat saya dan menunjukkan kepada saya kondisi ‘alam’ yang seolah menentang desire saya. Tapi saya terus memaksa. Sama seperti dia, saya terus memaksa karena saya tahu kualitas yang saya miliki. Saya percaya Raygava et al adalah musik yang jenius. Seperti halnya si pembawa acara ini yakin akan kemampuan fisiknya. Namun pada akhirnya memang bukan kualitas diri lah yang menentukan. Bagaimanapun kondisi alam tidak diatur oleh diri kita.

Namun, bukan berarti desire saya kemarin ini adalah sebuah dosa. Tidak juga. Karena tujuannya tetap mulia. Ini adalah usaha pendokumentasian karya saya untuk generasi penerus saya, terutama anak dan cucu saya. Sebuah kenang-kenangan yang saya ciptakan terlebih dahulu jauh sebelum mereka ada. Suatu bentuk ‘dokumentasi’ yang akan dengan cepat menjelaskan tentang diri saya, kehidupan saya, dan mudah-mudahan bisa menjadi sebuah memoirs kecil untuk mereka mengerti. Apapun yang terjadi nantinya di akhir perjalanan ini, saya pun berharap akan dapat menjadi pelajaran bagi mereka. Jadi tidak, saya sama sekali tidak boleh merasa menyesal akan desire saya itu. Yang boleh saya rasakan yaitu bahwa sekarang saya sadar kalau saya tidak berhak untuk menuntut apapun dari perjalanan ini. Bahkan menuntut untuk bisa balik modal pun sebenarnya tidak berhak. Sebuah blind desire telah saya puaskan, dan secara bijaksana saya harusnya siap menerima apapun yang menjadi konsekuensinya. Termasuk bahwa Raygava et al akan kandas dan seluruh uang saya dan hutang saya akan lenyap tanpa ada yang kembali. Tuhan akan senantiasa memberi saya pelajaran demi pelajaran, kegagalan demi kegagalan, kekecewaan demi kekecewaan, dan kalau dilihat-lihat anehnya semua jauh lebih banyak dari orang lain pada umumnya. Dan ini adalah sesuatu yang semestinya saya syukuri, bukan saya tangisi.

Note:
1. Tulisan ini merupakan bagian dari rencana saya menyusun tulisan-tulisan inspirational dengan judul FINANCING A DREAM (rencananya). Hal ini pun sudah direncanakan jauh sebelum album raygava et al keluar di pasaran. Mengingat begitu banyaknya buku-buku yg mendokumentasikan keberhasilan, banyak teman-teman saya yg merasa bahwa akan sangat keren malahan apabila buku saya nanti menjadi sebuah tulisan yang mendokumentasikan kegagalan. Rencananya saya ingin mendokumentasikan bagaimana saya berjudi dengan hidup saya, mempertaruhkan segala hal dari mulai tabungan, pekerjaan, sampai hubungan percintaan, semua demi tercapainya sebuah legacy hidup.

2. Album WHERE I BELONG dari RAYGAVA ET AL. masih tersedia di toko-toko. Dan hingga saatnya tiba nanti, saya akan masih terus bergerilya dan melakukan apapun untuk Raygava et al ini..Dan dokumentasi akan perjalanan Raygava et al ini akan terus berlangsung. hehehe

09 February 2009 - A Month After

09 February 2009

A month since my official album launching date.

Today was so painful. Since last night, the internet was suspended. I suspect it is because of our 2-month outstanding payments. In the morning I watched Inbox and Dahsyat, and the other new (similar) show at Trans TV. How lucky these people are. From the village-looking rockstar-wannabe bands, that I guess would be from a smaller town somewhere outside Java island, to a group of young city-boys trying to provide the hippest new-jazz tunes for the upper-segment, with their trendy ‘bilingual’ songs. I know how much it costs a new band/artist to get into those highly-overrated shows, and it’s just a sum of money I know I cannot afford. Do these new faces know about this? Or maybe only their rich ‘juragan’ parents (or rich ‘pejabat’ parents)? Do they know how much money their fathers spend only to make their kids be more famous? Do these kids know how does it feel to be like me, who worked long-hours for years only to save it, lend more money, and then use it out for such projects, and yet achieving only a 1/10 of the budget they're getting from their fathers? Do they know how does it feel shifting from a rich Jakarta CBD office workers with the highly-prospective talent in the industry (or so they say), to a poor artist (as in worker of art) with no-job and nothing left in his bank accounts? And the thoughts went on. Well, basically I was envying these people so much.

Later at noon, I walked into a bank to make a payment for my cable TV. I had to deposit the money my father gave me into my account, for it to be transferred later via ATM as the cable payment. And then I saw this teller, next to the one I was speaking to. She was holding a large bundle of Rp50,000 notes. My brain was trying to make a rough judgment on how much that bundle probably worth. Maybe around 50 million. The next bundle that I then saw was of Rp100,000 notes, in similar size. Hmm that should worth more, maybe 100 million. And for that brief second I was actually thinking of robbing the bank, only basically to finance my well-drought marketing campaign. If only I had a gun with me, I thought. And suddenly I remember all the news about those robbers in motorcycles, robbing as ‘little’ as only Rp50 to 100 million rupiahs. Whenever I saw this kind of news in previous years, I have always wondered, why would a group of guy steal only that amount of money? Why not go all the way and plan a large heist, like the recently popular investment-fraud we’re seeing all-over the world?


Now I suddenly understand why. And so in this vision I see myself right there, just like them. On a worn-out motorcycle, with an accomplice, trying to escape the guards and police, with only Rp50 million in the bag I’m holding tight around my arm. With that amount of money, I can hit the Televisions, just like all the other bands/artists normally..... Nahh, but I can never do that. I don’t have the guts and I’m not that desperate. But I’m telling the truth, it did cross my mind for a brief few seconds.

But then later I was inspired by the movie “Vicky Christina Barcelona”. On DVD of course, I could not afford going to the cinemas anymore. It’s another movie done by Woody Allen, and played by, not surprisingly, his recently favourite actress, Scarlett Johansson. In some parts, the movie highlights the artists (again, workers of art) living for the love of life, represented by the character Juan Antonio, his poet father, and even his-ex-wife. The movie shows us that in a certain life at a certain distance from the bustling businesses of New York City, simple elements of life are cherished by certain people. Even so simple that the concept of affection and love (and also sex, for that matter) should not at all be regarded as complicated. The character Vicky, whose life is well organised and carefully planned, and who was on her way to wed the ideal man (or so she thought), found herself secretly longing for a love life with Juan Antonio. And even the free-spirited Christina, who had initially thought she wanted a 'different' love life with an artist, finally found herself not that crazy after all. This movie carries so many messages I think people should see it.


I then started to be thankful. It all just makes sense. Life is wonderful and I love it so much. So why must one dwell on plans and strategies if they only put more pressure, and in the end pulling that person further away from the happiness he seeks. I know I only have Rp2 million left for the next God-knows how many more months. I know that I must be crazy to think that the marketing budget I put for Raygava et al could compete with the budget of others, that are at least 10 folds, each! I know I’m well behind compared to most of my friends who are now ‘enjoying’ their settled life with a wife and a housing mortgage. But I should remember that above all, my mission has been accomplished. I finally have an album, out there, in record stores, and a pretty damn-good one too (if only more people know about it). A fine work that everyone around me is so proud of, and therefore so should my descendants. Even I can’t be prouder that I am now. So if no one buys it, and no one is making any song-request to the radios, should that give me headaches?

The album is a celebration of life. The darkest hours of my life, the pain of love, the torturing home-sick, the painful-dilemmas, and even the passions for love, all were there. Presented in stupid lyrics. Hahaha.. It has been my message to people to live their life to the fullest, even in grim moments. I should always remember that!

And so it came to me that life should be cherished, for it is not all about having enough money to live. Every fresh air I took when I was out there 7 AM in the morning running around the block, every bench-press I made whenever there’s just nothing more to do other than pointless work-out, every ‘pricy’ golf swings in the midst of gloomy sky and singing birds, every DVDs I watched in the mid-day only because the cable TV is suspended due to outstanding payments, every futile effort of running the scales back-and-forth trying to be a better guitar player. Aren’t these elements of good-life? Suddenly it strikes me that I should enjoy myself more. Hmm, maybe I should even go out today? Nahh, not today. But maybe tomorrow. Marketing campaigns? Ahh I should give less shit about it. I’ve been the smallest David ever existed, trying to fight the Goliaths. I think it’s alright if David loses the battle. Rp2 million left? Ahh who cares? You’re not gonna be dead anyway. Some people are even living in the brink of death. I was only jealous I guess; Jealous of all the other bands/artists with their ‘blessed’ budgets. But I know I shouldn’t let it get into my head. I should smile, go out, and while at it, get more creative by finding out more life-enjoying things to do sans d’argent.

13 Radio dalam 3 Hari

13 radio dalam 3 hari. Itulah judul sesi radio visit raygava et al minggu lalu di Bandung.Mau ga ke Bandung? Waahhh seperti ajakan yang bodoh. Tentu saja mau! Udah lama banget sejak terakhir kali gue ke Bandung. Mungkin jauh sampai ke bulan November 2008. Gue pikir2, oke bgt lah, sudah pasti dari satu radio ke radio lain akan menjadi sangat melelahkan dan potensial membosankan. Tapi at least gue akan bisa menghirup udara sejuk Bandung lagi, my second hometown..

Ke-13 radio tersebut adalah: pro-2, Rase, Hard Rock, Garuda, Auto, Oz, Sky, CBL, i-Radio, Ardan, 99ers, Global, dan Prambors.  Dihajar dari hari kamis hingga hari Sabtu. Plus, ditambah hari sabtu mlm disuruh maen di Oh La La Ciwalk.Capeknya memang setengah mati. Tapi sangat fun, dan gue masih bisa menyelipkan sedikit-sedikit waktu untuk hang-out bersama sejumlah geng pertemanan gue di Bandung. Lalu setelah semua selesai, hari minggu kemaren gue akhirnya menyadari kunjungan gue ke Bandung kali ini cukup berhasil dan cukup menyenangkan. Respon-respon radio cukup bagus, baik dari orang-orang radio nya sendiri maupun para pendengar. Manggung hari sabtu juga menjadi cukup seru. Entah kebawa dari perjalanan radio kami atau bukan, yang jelas mempromosikan musik kami dengan bercanda menjadi semakin menyenangkan, termasuk diatas panggung disaat kami memainkan 10 lagu, including 4 lagu cover dari Van Hunt, The Magic Numbers, Jack Johnson, dan Pink Martini… hehehe.

Okeh.. semoga.. semoga.. semoga. *fingers crossed*

Mudah-mudahan kejujuran musik raygava et al masih punya cukup energi dan kekuatan untuk at least menyamakan band-band lain yang jelas-jelas mengucurkan ‘uang-uang’ yang bekali-kali lipat. Bisakah David melawan Goliath-Goliath? Gak perlu mengalahkan kok, sebatas ‘melawan’ saja sudah sebuah prestasi luar biasa. Hehehe.

Respon-respon sudah sedemikian positif. Tinggal bagaimana kita lihat apakah ke-positif-an ini mampu mengalahkan lembaran-lembaran uang yang dikucurkan para goliath. I’ve done my part, now it’s all in the hands of the media and public. I need the airplay from the music directors, and the request from the listeners. Cuma itu harapan yang ada bagi band ‘termiskin’ yang sudah merilis album di industri musik Indonesia saat ini… hehehehe. Tanpa itu semua, kami gak akan pernah bisa masuk Gen FM, ataupun masuk acara Inbox atau Dahsyat. Perlawan terhadap band-band ‘anak-juragan’ dari daerah (yg memiliki budget yang extraordinarily-ridiculous) harus terus dilancarkan, bila industri musik Indonesia ingin diselamatkan.

Hurry To The Future !!

I can't stand it anymore.. please take me away from here...

INTRO : Lifetime Achievement

Bukannya saya gak berterimakasih. Saya sudah tahu karena semua orang pun sudah menyatakan betapa bangga mereka terhadap saya. Saya pun bangga terhadap diri saya. Tetapi there's just something missing...

Saya baru saja melakukan pencapaian yang luarbiasa. A lifetime achievement (of course, my version of it). Setelah bertahun-tahun berjuang, berkutat, dan dengan seluruh tetesan-tetesan darah, akhirnya saya berhasil merilis album perdana raygava et al. Album ini diberi judul "Where I Belong", judul sebuah lagu di track no.3 album ini yang bercerita tentang homesick luar biasa yang saya alami di London tahun 2004.

VERSE : Where I Belong

Mengapa judul ini? Karena semata untuk mengingatkan saya akan dimanakah saya 'belong'. Supaya saya tetap ingat dilema yang saya alami dari mulai oktober 2005 hingga januari 2006, dimana saya harus memutuskan untuk terus bekerja di UK atau pulang kampung ke Jakarta. Hal tersebut, pada saat itu, adalah sebuah dilema terbesar di hidup saya. Walaupun saya seorang Aries sejati, namun sekokoh apapun saya terhadap keputusan saya, bukan berarti saya tidak melewati keguncangan dan dilema besar. Ini adalah salah satu alasan kenapa saya kembali ke Jakarta. Lagu-lagu yang sangat dalam artinya bagi saya, seperti "Tanda-tanda", "Where I Belong", dan "Cara Pergi ke Bandung" adalah masterpiece-masterpiece yang harus di publish. Karena sampai detik ini pun saya sangat yakin saya tidak akan mampu menghasilkan karya seperti itu lagi.

Judul "Where I Belong" akan senantiasa terus mengingatkan saya akan 'misi' saya kembali dari London. Dan juga supaya tidak lupa daratan. Supaya saya ingat siapa saya dahulu. dan juga ingat alasan-alasan dari keputusan yang akhirnya saya ambil. Kehidupan saya sekarang di Indonesia adalah sebuah mimpi indah bagi seorang Regawa di tahun 2004-2005.. ini yang akan selalu saya ingat!

REFF : 3 years later

Tiga tahun sudah berlalu dengan cepat (atau mgkn malah lambat). Saya disini, berhasil mewujudkan 'pencapaian hidup' saya...  Tapi mengapa terasa sangat sepi?

Bertahun-tahun saya memelihara rasa benci saya kepada biyotch. Banyak teman yang penasaran kenapa saya memelihara rasa sakit saya. Jawabannya, semua demi mempertahankan semangat dan api membara yang ada di dada saya selama 3 tahun ini. Sakit saya adalah amunisi saya yang memungkinkan raygava et al bisa sampai titik ini. (jangan-jangan ini juga alasan kenapa saya cenderung menghancurkan hubungan-hubungan yang saya punya. kalo kata temen saya, i was never in pain, therefore i've always created my pain)

Tapi sekarang. disaat misi sudah tercapai.. ingin sekali rasanya saya buang rasa sakit ini.. So, instead of enjoying 'being on top of the world', i'm left alone, holding this junk called 'hurt' in my hand, something i'm so desperate to thrash immediately.

Intinya,..
sangatlah susah menikmati sebuah kesuksesan besar dan pencapaian hidup yang begitu penting bila anda tidak memiliki seseorang untuk berbagi..
Dimana anda tidak memiliki siapa-siapa untuk mendengarkan cerita panjang anda akan betapa lega-nya diri anda, dan betapa bangga-nya anda terhadap diri anda sendiri..

Somehow sangat mirip dengan diri saya 7 tahun yang lalu, disaat saya mulai mendapatkan IP diatas 3 berturut2, heheh (maklum, sebelumnya 1 koma terus).. dan saya masih ingat apa yang saya tulis waktu itu....
"When you're flying so high ... sometimes it's just so lonely up here in the sky"

OUTRO : Hurry to the future !

Saya cuma lelah. Lelah setelah 3 tahun mengorbankan dari mulai tabungan, karir kerjaan, sampai kehidupan percintaan.. semua demi memberi jalan kepada album "Where I Belong" ini...

Sekarang hati saya sungguh kosong, sekosong kantong saya yang sudah tidak memiliki uang lagi.. saya cuma ingin fast forward ke masa depan.

Bertahun-tahun lamanya saya memimpikan ada mesin waktu, supaya saya bisa kembali ke masa lalu. Baru kali ini saya ingin mesin waktu itu untuk bisa bawa saya maju ke masa depan...
hurry to the future !!

John Mayer knew I stole from him, now he steals back from me !!

Gue baru ke toko CD tadi siang...
Sangat shock melihat cover John Mayer yg baru.. "Where the light Is"...

My god !!..
Seluruh jejeran fotografer, art director, dan manajer raygava et al dibuat panik hari ini..

Untung cover album belum masuk printing!..

I'm so frustrated.. art director gue insist mau photo lagi aja, but i've no money left!!
I have to go with the photoshoot we had...

Berarti tinggal dipilih2 foto2nya, diutak-atik layout nya, dan berarti ga boleh pake black&white!!..

lucunya kenapa bisa john mayer pulaaa..
the artist i'm usually associated with?..
Kalo coldplay yg cover nya begini sih bodo amat gue peduli setan..
tp kenapa harus si JM.. of all the artists out there in the US?

Setan nih john mayer..
He knew I stole from him.. now he steals back from me !!

Seasons Change

Okay.. people did it.
My cousin did it..
I think John Legend did it...

so now maybe it's my turn..

I will stop working......
(hehehe i believe this is the most appropriate words to say, rather than saying I'm quitting the job)..

I can't say I'm quitting my job. Does not mean that I don;t want to.
But maybe more because they won;t let me.
They say they can't afford to lose me. They say I'm the key talent...
Well whatever... So here I am.. with a 3 months unpaid leave.. extendable!..
sounds alot like those BOT agreements.. huh?



Why do I stop working?.. What for?...
The answer is.. of course.. as u would've probably guessed...
the stupid raygava et al which has been bugging my head since 2006 !!..
And for my music which has been here in 2004... my God, thats four years ago!!
and I'm telling u.. this is the year! 2008 is our year!.. insya Allah..

And again... Does not mean that I don;t enjoy office works.
In fact, these last 3-4 weeks have been hectic time.
I had meetings after meetings... breakfast with bosses.. coffees with competitor's bosses (haha).. lunch with HR department of another company... etc etc.. all came when I had these two projects' deadline looming...
It was a tough call to make...
to move to a competitor.. (of course with promotion and raise)
to move to a non-property related multinational company
to stay at the company with a mid-year promotion and raise...
or to quit the job and focus on raygava et al.

The last option never bothered me that much. I was so ready to go at one time, and then so 'accepting' to stay at another...
But then I realised that all decisions in my 'office careers' have been much related to my band, and the fact that I may resign sooner or later for my music.
Without raygava et al in my head and in my plans, I'd be somewhere else doin something great, trust me... or maybe staying here doin somethin greater..

But what happened recently have only showed me that I haven't been achieving the dream or goal that I set 2 years ago... remember?..
do you remember the reason why I quit my job in London in 2006 to return here to Indonesia?
there were several reasons.. but a large part was from raygava et al's music....

I returned to Indo because I didnt wanna be a rich-but-no-life bloke in the UK. One with prospective career ahead and good savings but too old to be a newcomer artist..
But now?.. it's been 2 years!.. gak kerasa.. And I've become too old.
Tau gini kan sama aja boong. Mending waktu itu gue stay di London kan?

So hence, my decision..
Sacrificing those higher pays offered by the 2 companies, and my current company...
Those promotions that would make my career path a bit easier..
And those exciting new challenges offered by the other companies..

ahh.. the hell with 'em..

jadi mari kita simak lirik lagu dari Corrine Bailey Rae ini:
Don't you know that patience is a virtue? yes it is
And life is a waiting game... don't you know that?
peace must be nurtured..
and all the money in the world can buy you nothing...
Corinne Bailey Rae - Seasons Change

And now, I just can't wait.. for the season to change!!

Saling Menipu (lyric)

by: Regawa Paramasiddi, 2005

Saling Menipu (Perempuan Murahan)

Sering kutemukan kau perempuan
Yang tak bisa duduk berdiam berkata jujur sekali saja
Sering kau mencoba berpura-pura
Dan aku ikut dalam permainanmu

Sudah terlalu jelas bagi aku,
terlalu sering ku bertemu, .... tipe yang seperti dirimu
Kau pikir sudah berapa lama aku.. menahan rasa malas yang bertumpuk di dadaku...

Perempuan murahan tetap kan terus murahan
Tak akan berubah walau uang sudah bertaburan
dan
Perempuan gampangan kan selalu kugampangkan
karena mereka hanya ingin agar dipuaskan

Dan kamu dan aku..habiskan waktu.. saling menipu..
Lihatlah kamu..dengan sandiwaramu kau belum ingin mengaku

Sudah terlalu jelas bagi aku,
terlalu sering ku bertemu, .... tipe yang seperti dirimu
Kau pikir sudah berapa lama aku.. menahan rasa malas yang bertumpuk di dadaku...

Perempuan murahan tetap kan terus murahan
Tak akan berubah walau uang sudah bertaburan
dan
Lelaki yang bajingan kan slalu memanfaatkan
dengan sgala janji-janji hanya sebatas omongan

Dan kamu dan aku..habiskan waktu.. saling menipu..
Lihatlah kamu..dengan sandiwaramu kau belum ingin mengaku

You're Leaving Soon (lyric)

by Regawa Paramasiddi , 2005

You're Leaving Soon

A little bit of smile to brighten your face
A little bit of laugh is what I embrace
I'm falling fall to pieces
Watching you made your every little moves

*And love is not a case of mysteries
Love should not be held in diaries
I don't have much time
Cause you are leaving soon

You should be involved in this serenade
And so you could open up and see what I'm made of.
You will fall for me.. fall for me..

intro..
I wish that I could be a much less loser
So I can prove myself and just be closer to you
Cuz I adore you..it's about you and 'bout the way you move

*

I see some roses green as the trees up on the hill
I know just how you feel... about this...how awkward it is..

I know it's not the greatest time of the year
But you should know that all I want is just to be near
to you I'll give myself... over and over and over

*

Sepuluh Tahun (lyric)

by Raygava 2005

Sepuluh Tahun

Tahukah bahwa dari dulu aku memuja dirimu
Dan kusimpan dalam hati
Tahun demi tahun tlah berganti
Entah mengapa kamu masih disini

Ingat masa SMA aku sering jemput dia
Kutunggunya di luar sekolah
Bertahun-tahun aku mencoba
Coba tuk temukan apa yang salah

*Tapi entah mengapa slama ini dirimu tak pernah
menjadi milikku
Dan kini kau akan menikahi dirinya.. takkan kubiarkan terjadi..

Selama waktu masih tersedia
Ku akan pastikan dirimu untukku
Sepuluh tahun kutunggu dirimu
Untuk bersamaku ... slamanya

Entah sudah berapa pria dan dan berapa wanita yang hadir di dalam hidup kita
Pernahkah terlintas di benakmu bila aku menjadi kisah cintamu

Datang dan Pergi (lyric)

by Raygava, 2005

Datang dan Pergi

Jangan engkau pergi dulu
Berikanlah padaku
Sebuah kesempatan
Tuk jelaskan padamu

Sebelum kau melangkah pergi dariku lagi
Tunggulah sebentar saja
Biarkan aku bicara

Walau semua tak percaya
Betapa aku setia
Aku selalu menanti
Walau kau datang dan pergi

Jika nanti kau kembali, aku kan ada disini
Ku harap suatu hari nanti,
Engkau berhenti berlari

*Walau aku terombang-ambing dalam cintamu
Namun ku akan setia menunggu
Bila engkau memutuskan tuk datang dan pergi
Namun ku akan senantiasa disini

Jangan engkau pergi lagi
tinggalkan aku sendiri
Walau ku tlah terbiasa
kehilangan dirimu

Sebelum kau melangkah pergi dariku lagi
Tunggulah sebentar saja
Biarkan aku bicara

*Walau aku terombang-ambing dalam cintamu
Namun ku akan setia menunggu
Bila engkau memutuskan tuk datang dan pergi
Namun ku akan senantiasa disini

Cara Pergi ke Bandung (lyric)

by Raygava, London 2004

Raygava: Vocals, guitars
Ardhini Citrasari: Bass
Rahmad Ade: Drums

Cara Pergi ke Bandung

Terbawa ku teringat kan masa lalu
Namun tak kan pernah ada mesin waktu
Tuk mengantarku pergi dari tempat ini
Menembus jaman dan mengenang dirimu

Betapa kita sudah berubah kawan
Selalu terpaku melihat masa depan
Namun diam-diam aku masih mencoba mengenang
Dan menemukan lagi jalan untuk kembali

Temu temukan cara tuk pergi ke Bandung
Walau banyak hambatan dan langit pun terus mendung
Namun akan kutemukan jalan yang tepat
Walau perlu waktu ...aku akan menunggu

Ingat saat dulu kusering merenung
Dari tempat kududuk menatap gunung
Namun itu masa lalu seperti kata temanku
Tapi ku tak peduli, aku ingin kembali

Temu temukan cara tuk pergi ke Bandung
Walau banyak hambatan dan langit pun terus mendung
Namun akan kutemukan jalan yang tepat
Walau perlu waktu ...aku akan menunggu

Sekarang semua sudah sangat berbeda
Tak seperti saat kita masih muda
Namun diam-diam aku masih terus mencoba
Dan menemukan lagi jalan untuk kembali

Temu temukan cara tuk pergi ke Bandung
Walau banyak hambatan dan langit pun terus mendung
Namun akan kutemukan jalan yang tepat
Walau perlu waktu ...aku akan menunggu
Temu temukan cara tuk pergi ke Bandung
Walau banyak hambatan dan langit pun terus mendung
Namun akan kutemukan jalan yang tepat
Walau perlu waktu ...aku akan menunggu

Thrills of Love (lyric)

by Raygava London 2005
Raygava: Vocal, Back Vocal, Guitars Ardhini Citrasari: Bass Rahmad Ade: Drums

Thrills of Love

I'm missing the thrills of love, tonight..
I'm looking forward for some loving delight

I want some more of your smiles, your hugs and chocolate kisses...
that's the kick of love

I want some more of those niggles, tingles, missing you...
Oh that's why that's why

I'm missing the thrills of love ..
Like a pirate missing his treasure cove ..

I want some more of your smiles, your hugs and chocolate kisses...
that's the kick of love
I want some more of those niggles, tingles, missing you...
Oh that's the thrills of love

I want some more of your smiles, your hugs and chocolate kisses...
that's the kick of love
I want some more of those niggles, tingles, missing you...
Oh that's the thrills of love

Where I Belong (lyric)

by: Raygava, London, 2004

Raygava: Vocal, Back Vocals, Acoustic Guitar, Electric Guitar
Ardhini Citrasari: Bass
Rachmad Ade: Drums

WHERE I BELONG

Lately I've been thinking
Staring at my bedroom ceiling
Outside is raining
And it seems that it will keep on falling
And my empty thoughts are running to seek refuge from my fears
of being alone

Lost in the crowds of the mystified people
Standing by myself on an empty train to Heathrow
Looks like I'm just the only one who feels like runnning away
listen....

I'm just aching for the love before
The ray of sun at half past four
The warmth of kisses from loving lips
It's just a place... Where I belong

opening the window waiting for the snow
I'm screaming in my heart counting months to go
Ohh eventhough..
Inside the rush of people but I still feel lonely wherever I go
I'm thinking...

I'm just aching for the love before
The ray of sun at half past four
The warmth of kisses from loving lips
It's just a place... Where I belong

Oh I wanted to speak and I just couldn't sleep to the end
And I'm drowning to deep need to go back to where I came
My hurt my pain
it will still remain
if I'm far away .. away from you



comments by Raygava:
Where I Belong is about love!... the love for your home (wherever it may be, in my case it is Indonesia). No matter where I am, stranded alone.. I will never forget how beautiful my country is. The shades of the trees, the people who know you best, the bright sunshine, etc.etc.!.. words are not enough!
This song came out straight from my heart. I wanted people to understand how it feels to love your country, especially when you are far away.
Standing by myself on an empty train to Heathrow
Looks like I'm just the only one who feels like runnning away
--> describes how almost all indonesian (then, when i was in London), loved London so much. None wants to go back. People who have money returned home that winter break. I didn't have much, but I missed my home. I did not see why Indonesians have to hate their own country so much. Most Indonesians who live abroad speak good things of the country they live in. Why can't they see the good things in Indonesia? Most Indonesians who live abroad in developed countries would like to stay forever in that country. why? Is Indonesia not good enough?..
Do they forget how warm the sunshine is? the people is? the food is?..
That winter end of 2004, I swear I wanted to hop onto the Picadilly line straight to heathrow. But i knew it's only gonna be myself (the only Indonesian) standing there wishing to return home.

Berhenti Darimu (lyric)

By Raygava, 2003

Raygava : Vocal, Electric Guitars, Bass, Drums
M. Arisyahrazad : Synthesizer, Electric guitar
Endrian Kolopaking : Electric guitar

BERHENTI DARIMU

Berlari darimu, sampai kapan itu takkan pernah membantu
Menepis dirimu, terlalu sulit dilakukan saat itu

Lagi aku mencoba untuk alihkan dirimu dari pikirku
Kau kembali menghantui lorong-lorong mimpiku
Satu yang harus engkau tahu,

Renungan malam ini takkan menjadi berarti bila kau masih belum sendiri
Percuma aku berdiri menghabiskan tenaga di hati
Ku harus berhenti darimu

Darimu, kudapatkan semua
Darimu, engkau impianku semata
Seluruh masa, berlalu hilang langsung seketika

Hari-hari masih terasa terlalu menyiksa, aku bertanya
Kau kembali menghantui pelosok isi jiwa
Kukatakan satu hal saja

Renungan malam ini takkan menjadi berarti bila kau masih belum sendiri
Percuma aku berdiri menghabiskan tenaga di hati
Ku harus berhenti mencintaimu

Terlalu usang hatiku menantikan dirimu, sendiri
Berubah sakit semua mimpi-mimpi indahku, tentangmu
Tenggelam aku didalam genangan cintamu

Renungan malam ini takkan menjadi berarti bila kau masih belum sendiri
Percuma aku berdiri menghabiskan tenaga di hati
Ku harus berhenti darimu

comments from raygava:
My favorite song in terms of musical arrangements!... I love the composition. When I first wrote the songs, I did not expect the song to come out like this. I looooveee the sound of my guitar!!.. I predicted it to be just so-so, another song you would put in the middle or bottom of the order, songs you won't pay much attention to. But it came out starking. everytime I listen to the clean sounds of the vintage 1962 Jazzmaster, and the voxy sound of the synth, I find the gloominess of the song, but at the same time there are also love, warmth, and the monotonous fills that give you the expression of life's dullness.

The song itself tells the story of a guy who is on the verge of stealing someone's lover. And if you understand quite a lot about this, in the process there will always be a point when the future is being discussed and the woman will have to make a decision. This is probably the hardest part of the process, the hardest gamble. They (the man and the woman) will spent numerous hours arguing, fighting, and it will never stop. Never, not if the woman is still in relationship with her boyfriend. Well... sort of like that.

Tanda-tanda (lyric)

By Regawa Paramasiddi, 2003

Raygava : Vocal, Acoustic Guitars, Electric guitars, Bass, Drums, Back Vocals
M. Arisyahrazad : Electric guitars

TANDA-TANDA

Bila ku ikuti kata hati
Kutakut akan menyesal esok hari
Berjalan terus perlahan pasti
Sebelum tahu menetap atau pergi

Tapi seluruh jagat berbunyi, hari ini aku tahu semua
Mungkin ini yang kutunggu, terungkap sudah semua maksud

Tuhan telah memberi aku tanda-tanda tuk tinggalkan dirimu
Walau aku masih ragu
Engkaulah yang selama ini mengerti diriku
Namun aku?… aku ….

Aku memang bukan orang tolol
Tapi semalam terpeleset dan terkilir kakiku
Ban mobilku pecah di jalan tol
Ketika ku akan kembali kepadamu

Tapi seluruh jagat berbunyi hari ini, ungkapkan maksud dengan seribu cara
Untuk meyakinkan kepada diriku, Ini dia jawabanku

Tuhan telah memberi aku tanda-tanda tuk tinggalkan dirimu
Walau aku masih ragu
Engkaulah yang selama ini mengerti diriku
Namun aku?… aku tak tahu

-break-

Tapi seluruh jagat berbunyi hari ini, ungkapkan maksud dengan seribu cara
Untuk meyakinkan kepada diriku, Ini dia jawabanku

Tuhan telah memberi aku tanda-tanda tuk tinggalkan dirimu
Walau aku masih ragu
Engkaulah yang selama ini mengerti diriku
Namun aku?… aku tak tahu

comments:
I love this song to pieces. Probably the most honest song i have ever written. Came out to me exactly after the incident, I tried to memorise it by singing over and over on my way back home. When I reached my house, I bursted into the music room, picked up my guitar and started composing this song. I would say it's probably the best song i have ever written, in terms of how i got the idea.

Last Drips of Tears (lyric)

By Regawa Paramasiddi, 2004

Regawa Paramasiddi : Vocal, Acoustic Guitars, Electric guitars, Bass, Drums, Keyboards
M. Arisyahrazad : Keyboards

LAST DRIPS OF TEARS

Watching waves break with crashing sounds beside the ocean
So peaceful yet so scared, ..I’m so scared
Lover, how we were the ones who lit the fire
So why am I curious?
Did we burn ourselves cause now that we’re dying

Caught between the persistence of Jekyll
And the breaking urge of Mr.Hyde
Lover, guess I have to say goodbye
Cause I stopped and I can go no further

Please leave me, I’m so lonely
Walk away please, and you’ll be happy
And I’ll fight the nights to the last drips of tears from my heart

Ooohhh..
No baby, please, save yourself
And I’ll just go and save mine

Darling, do you know I cry in sleep and sober?
I’m desperate but still I have to hold on
Tying down my soul, it screams and cries
Kill myself in torturing solitude

Oohh..

Definition (lyric)

By Raygava, 2004

Raygava : Vocal, Acoustic Guitar, Electric Guitars, Bass, Drums

DEFINITION

History repeating
As we tuck ourselves in dreams
To those things that we had seen
Do you think they’re cheating?
And you begin to stop and think
Why they exist and you extinct

You know you’ve survived those times to differentiate
You feel you’d rather stay
The sum of your fears that has begun to escalate
Will make you hate to leave

Discover the missing of a miracle
To bring out the truth to you
Define what you said as something beautiful
A dream that might not come true

Are we really happy?
Driving past the countryside
Having thoughts of strings and kites
Do you feel uncommon?
Insecure, you’re looking back
Wishing more like Gregory Peck

And you know we are playing these whole new rounds of cards
You’re asking if you’ve won enough
The time went unseen as we were dancing down the stream
We’re swept away by ages

Discover the missing of a miracle
To bring out the truth to you
Define what you said as something beautiful
A dream that might not come true

Yeeaaah
No,.. I’m stealing all the time, I’m beating on the drums
And I know that this will end, But I’m too young. Too young

back to reff.



Comments from Raygava:
Definition is one of the most unique songs i've ever written. Under a heavy influence of Jeff Buckley at that time, I dealt a lot with sorrow and sadness. But definition is more about frustration, a song of quarter life crisis. The time when you realise that your past had passed you by, you wish you could go back but you couldn't.
You know you’ve survived those times to differentiate
You feel you’d rather stay
--> in your younger years (college years), you had spent times trying to differentiate yourself from others, with your fashion statements, music statements, academic statements, etc. etc. being different was you goal!
But working life is all about being common. being in a uniform of activities!

Define what you said as something beautiful
A dream that might not come true
--> What is something beautiful? something we may never know what. Even now i still don't know. You had wished to finish college as fast as u can and start work. But then you realised that college life was probably one of the happiest moments in your life. It became a dream... that will never come true.

Insecure, you’re looking back
Wishing more like Gregory Peck
--> this part has two meanings. wishing more like gregory peck can be translated to wishing to be in the past. In those eras of black and white films. But,.. it could also describe Gregory Peck in the movie "Roman Holiday", where at the end of the movie, he looked back, seing Audrey Hepburn on her throne, a relationship he may never have. Then he walked on to the exit door.. Much of the feeling you'd have looking at your past, wishing to go back, but you could not.